part time thinker.

Went for a the day before yesterday. Planned on making it a short run, I ended up doing sprints off and on for two miles. It was nice. Gave me much time to think, to physically burned off some stress. It was almost perfect weather outside for the kind of feel I was going for. It was a short break in a storm. The rain had stopped, it was evening, still cloudy out. You could feel the energy in the air. The storm wasn't over yet, but I wanted to go outside anyways. I haven't ran in over a month. Before the PFT I was scared of running because I knew I wouldn't be able to achieve what I wanted to. I loathe running for any other reason than for me. Being diagnosed with asthma was a halfhearted relief. I wonder if my pain really is asthma or if I just settled for that. Settled for any explanation that gives me something I can beat. When I was running yesterday I would sprint until I felt like my lungs would burst, until my body just stopped, but then I would just walk off the pain and then run again. I thought about how I'd like to just run away from everything. To be able to just let go of everything, and feel myself be lifted off the earth, the wings I always have in my dreams spread out and I can just take flight. When I was running it wasn't for physical training, it was to sweat out all the tears I can't cry.
During my slower jogging I would look up at the clouds rolling by and remember my childhood obsession with the elements, with nature. I'd always take those online quizzes of, 'Which Element Are You?'. In reality I knew which element I wanted to be. I always knew which one I wanted to be. Air, I wanted to be uncontainable, free, everywhere there is life, a day dreamer. Water was known for being able to slowly wear away its own path, adaptable,and healing. Earth is always well grounded, solid, nurturing, and full of strength and endurance. Fire was a burning passion, strong will, energy, creates and destroys. In paganism the elements are important, when drawing a sacred circle for workings you invoke the elements, you work with the elements, and it can feel as if they truly work with you. While running I felt slightly more in tune with them again, an energy about that I haven't felt in a long time.
Growing up I always tried to conform myself into what I wanted me to be, but in truth I didn't know anything about myself. To this day I don't. I know what I want, and what I need, but I don't know who I want to be. I don't know how I want to be. In a way I do, but the person I would like to think of myself as, is a person I don't think I'm capable of becoming. I feel as though I've tried this path before, and again and again it has burnt me. Being a good person and believing in those around me with out reason has only shown me how I can't trust the people around me, because as human beings we all carry corruptness within us, due to the society we will, the expectations the world burdens us with. We are forced to play the mind games of others. Especially in the military. You can never just believe that the marines around you are looking out for you. That only occurs if it interests them. If it is convenient for them.
Maybe it is just my personality type. Being an ISFJ apparently describes me to a tee. I never really knew it though. Most things I've come to realize about myself over the years had to be pointed out to me multiple times on different occasions. I don't think I trust people, but I do more than I'd like to admit.
 "They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best."
I do that everyday, with every person. After talking to an individual I can see how they've come to the path they're on. How one can feel trapped in the choices they've made, how nothing is in their control, but yet everything is. 
I tend to think to myself better than I express it to the world around me. I always feel as if I'm taking in information, even stuff I don't understand yet. But if it left an impression on me I will remember it years from when it occurred. 
Like my startling realization while running that I may be more of a Leo than I realized. How I could represent a certain aspect of fire. How was long as I have something to burn on I will rage forth in my own way to cleanse what I feel is wrong. How I will remember all that has happened and I will let it fuel me in the future. 
I won't let myself be forced to become a person I am not, even if it means I will be a Tier III marine. What I do, I do for myself, what I do for myself, I do for the people I love. 
I am proud to be in the Marine Corps, but it is not a proudness I feel while I am there, it is when I look back and I see how I have impacted others, even in the slightest way and it helped them go on, to achieve what they wanted to do. Even if they don't realize it, if I don't even notice. I know that in small ways I make a difference. 
Maybe one day I will be part of something largely impactful. I don't feel as if I ever will. But I will be proud that I made the decision to serve the country I was born in, that I went through the training, I dealt with the pain, and the people. And that I came out no worse of a human being for it. I was part of a mission, and maybe even though if I hadn't been there someone else would be...but it wasn't like that. I've never saved lives, I've never fought in battles, but perhaps because I was there, someone else wasn't. And through that chain of events maybe something good did come from it. 
No one will ever know the extent of the butterfly effect or how deeply it is involved in everything we do. 
But after my running meditational thoughts on the elements and following my thoughts back up the line I decided and single element isn't something that can represent me. The combination of them, put together into the storms that ravage the earth, or save it. Calm, or violent, but beautiful in every way. The energy in the air we all feel in different ways. The energy some ignore because they've lost touch with all that made them come to being. I will never become those people. I will never run through the calm during a storm and not notice the perfect interaction between nature that has caused something magnificent to come into being. Even though I know the science behind it all, I will never let the world lose its magic to me. 
Ever.

Mass Effect Addict.

***Spoiler Alert***

Disclaimer: This post is more likely than unlikely to contain some sort of spoiler in regards to Mass Effect 3 play through and endings. 

Like I said previously, I beat Mass Effect 3. Granted I had already given in and ruined the ending for myself by watching YouTube videos such as “Ten Reasons We Hate the Ending to Mass Effect 3”. And did some looking into about the numerous amounts of people petitioning for a change to it, for a downloadable content that gives them the closer they seek. In some ways I agree with them. But I think the creators purposely left the ending the way it is for a reason. Maybe that hasn’t been revealed yet. A game like Mass Effect doesn’t end leaving discontent in the wake. Or maybe it does. I don’t know, but with how much revenue the game brings in for the creators on a weekly basis I’m sure they’ve planned out a whole year worth of stuff to release to the fans to keep them playing, to keep them en-captured. Even negative results are still results. They’re still getting attention, they’re still getting money. Even if you didn’t like the game, you’re still going to play it when something new related to it comes out.

Though the one thing I do find bogus is that if you want Shepard to live you have to destroy all Synthetics. EDI, the Geth… It’s stupid. After everything you’ve done to help them advance, to become self-aware of their own consciousness, and after all they’ve done to help you, the universe, and all the races, they become the ultimate sacrifice in order to destroy the Reapers. 

What. The. Fuck. 

I told myself halfway through the game I was going to destroy the Reapers, and when the voice in the back of my head threw in, “At any cost!” I wasn’t really expecting this. I didn’t want to control them and send them away forever. That’s becoming a Reaper. No joke, I read it as that in the game guide. You become a reaper. Fuck that. And then synthesis, apparently the final stage of evolution, the only way the peace between the Geth and the Quarians will remain, the only way synthetics won’t destroy all organics in the future. As cool as that sounds, and as cool as Joker’s eyes looking glowing green. I don’t see how that helps. Making everyone partly synthetic against their will is going to solve the problem? It’ll take them quite a bit to figure out it’s even happened since apparently Shepard is destroyed in the process. Screw you Bioware!! The hero of the galaxy can’t even catch a break to win this war.
My boyfriend is a believer that the only proper ending for a true hero is for him to die being a hero. I can see the logic behind that, but the romantic in me clings to the horror against it. I know sacrifices are made to save others. I know in real life there isn’t a happy ending to most things out there. But I went all three games not losing a team member!! I made all the choices that unlocked even the most hard to get parts for me!! And in the end I couldn’t even make the Illusive Man shoot himself!! I couldn’t save Anderson. I saved Earth; I saved the Galaxy from the Reapers. Hell, even I survived.  But I had to destroy all the synthetics. Granted we’re just going to make them again. It’s destined to happen. Like the little brat, who suspiciously looks like the little boy who died at the beginning of the game, and like the little boy you see after the credits asking for more stories about Shepard, says, it is only a temporary fix. More synthetics will be made in the future, either by us or our children. But I think our history will help us deal with that when it happens.

I find it odd to begin with those synthetics made it their mission of eternity to keep the cycle going in the Milky Way Galaxy. For real? That little kid HAD to have been synthetic. But he created the Reapers he said, as his solution to “chaos”. So… a synthetic created a race of synthetics in order to save the organics….? Is anyone else as baffled as I am about it? Who created the Catalyst? Where did he come from? What is his history? How does he keep the reapers in check, because last time I looked the pretty much seemed to have free will to do whatever they wanted once harvesting time began. What keeps them from breaking the cycle? It’s not their kind and gentle programing and their love for organics, that’s for fucking sure. Otherwise the harvesting wouldn’t be so brutal, so painful or disgusting. And if you go back through the previous games they do say that they are humanities salvation and blah blah. But something isn’t quite right. They use the organics to make more of themselves. It’s like their “God” and the races are simply a pet project. Once we make it so far in our evolution they harvest us, to keep up from doing what we managed to do in the end? Destroy them? Rival them?
But why would the catalyst let us destroy what he created? He acknowledged his solution wouldn’t work anymore, Shepard standing in front of him on the Citadel proved that. But how? The reapers still could have prevailed in the end. He could have taken Shepard out and carried on with plans as usual. Did he just give up on his personal (or programmed) mission to protest organics? Left us to whatever fate we have brought onto ourselves by resisting harvest to this extent?
I feel like there is something more. Every species fights for their survival. It’s instinctive, even machines are programmed to survive. Your computer is designed to shut down to protect itself and the information it holds.
So what lies beyond the Milky Way Galaxy? What is happening out there now?
…is there more to come from the Mass Effect universe?

I sure hope so. 

I did some looking into the “Indoctrination Theory” about Mass Effect 3 and its ending. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ythY_GkEBck

There are some really valid points made in the YouTube video. However, I’m skeptical due to the fact that if Shepard is indoctrinated, what comes after? They said that his internal fight against indoctrination started when you get up, shoot the husks and Marauder Shields, and then jump to the Citadel. If that’s the case, then there has to be more after you make one of the three choices. Bioware would let you know, somehow, someway, that you’re indoctrinated and you didn’t beat it. AND if you choose to destroy the reapers and you see Shepard live there has to be more after that. The battle on Earth and everywhere else in the Milky Way Galaxy didn’t just end victoriously because you defeated your own indoctrination. You’d still have to find a way to defeat the Reapers and save Earth.

But still…the little kid whom you see playing on the rooftop, in the air vent and then die at the beginning, see in your dreams, and then looks similar to the catalyst at the end… it does meet the requirements of the description of Indoctrination, but I don’t think that’s all it is. I mean, it could just be Bioware used the same kid for all that for simplicity sake. To leave a lasting impression of those lost and how they will haunt Shepard because he feels as if he could have saved them. Who knows! But I suppose that why they call it a theory. No way to truly know unless Bioware themselves admits to something.

But I don’t think it was indoctrination, but if it was…cool, I want more Mass Effect to play, and beating indoctrination means that there HAS to be more to play. 

Now, I’d like to take a moment to talk about one of my favorite parts of Mass Effect 3… the romance storyline… 

In the first game I romanced Liara, because she was the only female who struck my interest. Ashley was a bitch, so I killed her off, and relish it to this day. :D
And I don’t think there was much else option wise for the first game. It was cool though, I enjoyed it.
The second game I romanced Tali. Liara was off tracking down the Shadow Broker or whatever she did in her spare time, and Tali was getting more awesome by the second, and the hopes of seeing her without her mask played a major influential part too.  But alas…no Tali face for me in the game. Just some really cute scenes of her and Shepard.
Mass Effect 3… I didn’t know who I was going to romance. Liara was back on the Normandy and I told her I still held an interest in ‘us’. And I did, it wasn’t a lie. Liara was a favorite character always, even though I was hurt she left me in Mass Effect 2. We could work past that. Kaidan was back on the Normandy as well. I hardly ever took Kaidan on missions in the first game. I was an alien squad mate kind of Shepard. But Kaidan was still cool. I always interacted with him lots in the first game, and in the second game I wanted him to come back to the Normandy with me. Him and Shepard seemed as though if circumstances had been different they could have been really good friends. So I spent the beginning trying to nicely convince Kaidan that Cerberus didn’t control me, they never controlled me, and I never worked for them. It was a mutual using of each other. This was whole-heartedly true. Then Kaidan almost died, I freaked. Wondering if there was any way I could have kept that from happening. Nope, part of the game. But I did go visit him every opportunity I had. I care deeply about all my squad mates, and after every mission I always go talk to all of them to see what they have to say. It’s always interesting.  :D However, as Kaidan recovered, accepted the Spectre status, and we talked off and on, and he joined the Normandy, I started to sense that there was something more to his feelings. I even said out loud as playing that I would get with Kaidan if I could. He had grown a lot since the first game. And he was a hell of a fighter too. Our abilities complimented each other (as well as with EDI). But I never thought more of it. Shepard had no indicators of homosexuality in any previous games, so I doubted it would start now, with it being such a touchy subject and all. Though the option of being with Cortez was lovely. It makes me happy to see industries becoming more accepting of same-sex relationships. I believe that shows society as a whole is slowly moving forward in being less judgmental. There are always haters. But overall acceptance is a nice goal. Then BAM! The meeting at the Citadel. I figured Kaidan just had some stuff to get off his chest. Or it was another man-date, like the one Shepard has with Garrus. Didn’t think anything of it. Until halfway into the conversation when I saw were this was going. My heart was racing, my fan girl was at full power and I was so excited about what I saw was possible. When Kaidan started saying, “You plan a career, you focus and suddenly the worlds ending and it’s too late to…uh..find someone.”
Shepard: “Someone?”
Kaidan: “We’ve been friends a long time Shepard. Have you ever known me to be with anyone? I guess I’m just choosy, or  patient, or..*sighs*..I don’t know. Maybe what I’ve never found, what I want is something deeper with someone I already…care about. *pause* That’s what I want.*looks at Shepard* What do you want?”

And about this time I am glowing with joy. Doing an inner squeal of fan girl happiness. And then…

Shepard: “..you and me? Is that what you’re saying, Kaidan?”
Kaidan: “It feels right, doesn’t it?”
Shepard: “It would be nice to have someone to turn to when things get grim. Someone to live for, maybe love.”
Kaidan: “Someone?”
Shepard: “You, Kaidan. *exhales a short burst* It does…it does feel right. After all this time, you and me…I like that. A lot.”
Kaidan: “And that, makes me so happy. And there are benefits to that happiness.”
Shepard: “Really?”
Kaidan: “Yes. Really.”
*Camera starts to pan out from them sitting at the table*
Shepard: “What did you call it? A sanity check?”
Kaidan: “Mmm. A sanity check.”
-End Scene-

I pretty much died at this point. I screamed in joy, did laps around the house, and proceeded to tell everyone I know of this unexpected event. I was a bit sad there weren’t more romantic scenes with Kaidan, but I understand. It’s okay. There still were cute moments, and the sexy scene at the end before the final battle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqMxpuiQ1MU&list=FLskAkd8_erUgn-oUVZAQu8Q&index=3&feature=plpp_video

 And then a tear jerker of a scene before the rush to the citadel. I pretty much cried on the inside. Sobbed my fan girl heart out over Kaidan and Shepard’s goodbye to each other. When Kaidan was saying that we both know what this is, its good-bye, I was sobbing, “No! Don’t say that!”
Super happy it was an option for Shepard to say. Fit me perfectly. And then when Shepard goes to walk off, Kaidan reaches out, grabs him and pulls him in for an intense romantic, heartfelt kiss. You can literally feel the love seeping out of the TV. It was the sweetest moment. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2IHOh8J1fk&list=FLskAkd8_erUgn-oUVZAQu8Q&index=2&feature=plpp_video

I chose the paragon choices, but that vid did the renegade ones. >.< 

To be honest I think the reason that scene got to me so much is because I tend to imagine as if it was real. I was really there, and saying possibly good bye to my boyfriend forever. It tears my heart up. I’m super empathetic like that I guess. I apply scenarios to my life and relationship and how I would feel.
Yeah, I know. I’m pathetic.

Though I do find it rather fascinating that in the Official Mass Effect 3 Gamer Guide it doesn’t mention you can get with Kaidan as male Shepard. And most websites about romances, and walkthroughs don’t have it either. Interesting… either they really didn’t know, or refuse to admit. But they have to admit to the Cortez one (hehehe), it’s really bluntly there. 

And apparently, there is a mod for ME1 where you can get with Kaidan as male Shepard, but that part of the game was never actually finished. So it’s a little glitchy and weird at times. BUT!! It does carry over to the next two games. When you confront Kaidan in ME2 he mentions how he loved you, and then you can (obviously) renew the relationship in ME3.
BIOWARE!!! Why would you make us miss out on this!! I could have had Kaidan from the start!!
Oh well, at least I got to experience him in the end. Now I’m addicted to ME3 Kaidan/Mshep fanfiction. *sparkles in eyes* it’s so beautifully wonderful. 

Feel free to comment on any part of all this! I know it was a long one. 

XD Love it

random updater.

So here I am, been almost a month. But not quite. I keep thinking to myself, "Oh! I should put that in my blog!" "Oh! I'll have to keep this in mind...for my blog." And then I end up being too lazy and easily to distracted to get around to it. Soo... Here I am, updating. Considering prepping further updates, so It'll look like I'm task oriented and prepared, but really I just plan ahead for my laziness. 0.o;;
Any who~
Noticed the interface of the website changed. I'm very unhappy with this. I like it the old way, I didn't change to the new way for a reason. I can't find anything!!!
Sucks.
I've been on this cooking fix recently. I want to learn to cook more from-not-out-of-a-box type foods. So homemade tomato soup! 

It was super tasty. I actually ended up making this because of the random ingredients I had in my fridge. Like, celery, carrots, garlic cloves, onions....and it was an easy recipe. So that helped me pick it too. I'm rather low on money this month. So looking up recipes based on what I already have and limiting what I go out and buy, is rather useful. Though, it is much easier (and cheaper) to just buy cheaper food that is practically pre-made for you.  Very unhealthy though, I've looked into it.
While I was waiting for the soup to slow simmer itself to being done I did this:
This is a Totoro (from My Neighbor Totoro by Studio Ghibli) peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I had it as a snack while making tomato soup. The soup was more lunch for the next few days at work. Tiny sandwich, little details, very tasty. 

And following that I started to work on this!! Totoro chocolates! They are so cute!!! For a first time I think I did rather well with them. 

They'll be better next time. First time is always a learning process. :)
I didn't think of these awesome ideas on my own. I wish I could say I did, but I found them on this awesome website: http://www.annathered.com/how-to-bento/characters/
She has lots of cute How-to's about making different character foods. I found it while looking for croquette recipes and she has one to make them look like Domo. Soo...next week's cooking for fun project has already been decided. I'll let you know how it comes out. Super excited!! But check it out if you're interested. She has all sorts of cool stuff scattered throughout her website. It's pretty nifty.

I know my last post I discussed my gardening. I finally got around to uploading the pic of it from my phone: 

Of course this is it before I planted anything or put the fence up around it to keep the dog out. (It's not my dog, it's my house-mate's.) Oddly and shockingly enough it's coming along rather well. I haven't killed anything off yet. Lol! Though the seeds haven't had too much time to grow yet, but I did buy some plants already grown and blooming, and they're doing okay. I worry that they don't get enough sun with how the yard is set up, but I'll be moving this summer, so not much I can do about that. :(

And also interesting thing I did this month: Played Disk Golf. I didn't believe it was a real thing the first time it was mentioned to me. It's real, and it's pretty fun too, regardless of if you're any good at it or not. My right arm and shoulder muscle's were so sore the next day though. Definitely not used to using them like that. XD
Odd thing though: the disk golf course is literally right next to a waste facility plant. 0.o Thankfully enough I didn't get random bouts of turd smells while playing. Luck was with us that day. Though on the list of interesting ideas for mail boxes I think they have the right idea with theirs.

Hilarious!! We were taking pictures of it and a person was driving out of the waste plant and he stopped, rolled down his window and said to us, "That wasn't my idea, just so you know."
Then he drove away.  Random, but funny. I got a kick out of it.

Lastly: before I end this for today, I beat Mass Effect 3!!! I'm about a month or so behind everyone else, but I did beat it. I understand people's upsetness with the endings, and I think next post I shall discuss this further.
And to help with my research I read the Official Mass Effect 3 Guide book. It was insightful, but not extremely helpful. But there are 8 endings involving the three endings you hear people talk about. Just keep that in mind.
And male Shepard and Kaidan forever!! <333 I can't believe you got to romance him as a male. *sparkly eyes*
*ahem* Like I said, next post. We shall discuss. >:D

Springtime Gardener

So, got out of the habit of posting. That happens a lot. Oh well. I've been keeping busy and doing well. Dealt with some weird moments in February, but that seems to have passed. Though, maybe it just feels like a long time ago because I haven't stepped foot into work for two weeks. Which has been heavenly. I seriously want another job.
But those are unhappy thoughts that lead to things like my previous post. Which then I don't post for months again. But honestly, I had to stop posting, the wrong kind of attention was being drawn, and it was....weird. Borderline creepy. I won't say more until more time passes. (ooh, cliff hanger).
However, I have started a new hobby, that is EXHAUSTING!! At least it was today. I started my first garden. Granted, I have a tiny backyard, so a tiny garden it is. But it was shockingly cheap, and really fun, relaxing in some ways. I enjoyed it. I planted a mixture of flowers. It'll be nice if I have a larder yard one day and I can have a vegetable garden. My boyfriend and I can enjoy that together. =^_^=
As I was digging into the dirt I happened to notice that about three inches down, there was a two-three inch layer of sand in my yard. So for the sake of not wanting dead flowers I dug it up.
All of it.
And put the top dirt back, and the sand in a pile by the fence.
So that's really random looking, but I don't know what to do with it. So there it stays. All that was growing by that fence was moss anyways. I just hope that the flowers get enough sunlight to bloom. The way the yard it and the fences are, it might be hard. So I'm thinking of this as my trial garden. I have said my good byes to the plants in case they don't make it.
So I spent hours doing that today. My roommates dog was out there playing around in the dirt, and plants, and eating grubs (ew). So she had a bath before she could come in and run around. I was very dirty too, some of it was of my own design (sitting in the dirt, for example), some of it wasn't (Abby jumped all over my with her muddy paws). But I enjoyed today a lot.
BUT I'M SO TIRED!!!
It's a good tired though. A contently tired. :)
Makes me wanna plant more gardens. >:D
If my flowers survive I'll post pictures. Don't get your hopes up, just in case.
I'm going to go pass out now. I have work tomorrow, its a new schedule too. Day shift, night shift, 48 hours off. At least 96's will be easy to fit in, though like always, we'll never get more than exactly 96 hours off, and the day crew will get their 120-something hours. Extremely lame favoritism there. I do not like it.

laughing. (Updated since original posting)

So I'm updating simply because I've been forgetting to, but mainly because I've felt hesitant about topics to post about, but since the people I work with spent FOREVER trying to find it online I'm confident that it is indeed unsearchable. So that makes me happy. I've officially deleted myself from the internet. Yay!
So I shall now laugh at them as they admit their defeat and go back to their mindless shift activities. I should be doing homework, or reading chapters, but don't really feel up to it, ever. -_- Cannot wait till I'm not longer a college student. I mean, I'll miss it I'm sure, but working full time and being a student sucks. I hate homework.
Speaking on the douchebags on shift (they call themselves that, so I don't feel bad continueing the reference), these dudes have the biggest issue admitting their own narcissism. I'm not the best at spontaneously speaking my mind unless I've had a change to fully formulate my thoughts. So often times things come out...odd? I don't know, but I make sense to myself and thats good enough for me, but explaining to others is a pain. But THESE GUYS...they think everything has some sort of reference to them. Or another marine. I know its them giving shit, but as much as a joke turns into a no-shit-rumor I don't appreciate nearly as much as I do their other jabs. Saying I'm secretly trying to get with anyone burns me up, and they think its funny because I sit there and laugh and shake my head, and I'll tell them they're fucking wrong. But really, it's not always about you or some other marine you know. You'd think these people would know me enough by now to know that over my dead body will I even consider another human being worth even touching. Honestly, the thought makes me want to puke. Something about the person...I guess you could say an aura of sorts, is really unsettling and just churns my stomach. Maybe it's because I'm so anti-whore/slut/cheater/whatever, but still. I don't even appreciate hugs, and while high-fives are cool even those feel awkward at times. Maybe its because I'm not used to human contact like that, but still. It takes quite a bit for me to muster up a hug even for people I've known for a while.
And call me Cassie one more time fuckers...I'll knife you.
(DISCLAIMER: I won't really knife you, it's just fun to say)
But these guys poke fun at everyone for everything, even if it isn't true at all. Shits just fun to say. So I won't be all freaked out and weird when they say something that is blatently obvious its false and a joke just because I vomit nonsense on occasion. But sometimes I honestly don't know how to react back, and laughter is always worked for me, so it shall continue.
Say what you want, you won't make me cry.
(oh man, I think I just issued a challenge...0.o;; )

....continuing on....

I've been trying to find any sort of motivation still to do anything Marine Corps related. I think slowly my will to learn and work is coming back. But not very much. I've managed to see the bright side to my boyfriend getting put in CT and I don't think I have to worry about going to Japan again. So that's that.

But I would like to discuss other de-motivators that exist out there. I feel like I can't really hate them, because I'm not interested in anything USMC very much either anymore, never was actually, straight out of boot camp I had the "bleh" mindset. BUT-no matter how much I understand their feelings I still feel and intense dislike for a majority of them, because as much as I don't care I feel like I'm still considerate of my surroundings. I understand the Marine Corps, and my office especially now, stresses teamwork and the failure of one is the failure of all. So I put in the effort to at least keep life comfortable, mostly for me, but it helps everyone else too.
So when I see people who joined, who had some idea that the Corps was supposed to be hard and then they are the biggest dirtbags who have been fat since they joined and all they do is fuck up, and don't give a shit about the simplest rules to follow it irks me. It's not that hard to do your job properly. There is an order or and LOI for everything, so you don't really need to worry about knowing what you should or shouldn't do. Some rules are stupid, some we ALL ignore, but to blatently just fuck up and when told "hey don't do that" think you can rely on the fact people in the office like you and think you're a chill person is going to keep you from getting in trouble. Fuck that asshole. You shouldn't be getting paid the same as me, reaping the same benefits if you're not going to try at all. Just because you signed a contract and you can't be fired doesn't mean you don't have your share of shit coming. Someone will be fed up with you one day. And you'll go down. And when you're out of the Corps and you realize the rest of the world won't put up with your shit as much because they don't have to you'll realize your mistake. And it'll be too late. So have a nice shitty life, because that's were you are going. No where.

Whew~ Done with that.
Moving on...next topic....
I said I wanted to cover trust, but I almost don't feel like it. We all know how trust works and how it doesn't work. You learn it as a child and grow up using it and abusing it. My problem is I have a bad habit of slipping into the habit of being too trusting. Even when I know better, it's nicer, easier, makes me feel good inside. But it is almost always a mistake when it comes to Marines. But apparently I live with one of the biggest two-facers I've every known. I hate to say it, I like to try and forget it, almost forgive it. But then she opens her mouth, and vomits out her lies and deceit. THEN I remember. What is sad is I've confronted her about lies before, she'll keep lying. And when she admits her lie, she'll just tell more after.
BUT
she would prefer if I have a problem with her I tell her about it....last time I did that I "ruined her day" she "ended up breaking down at work" she is sorry that "she isn't the most perfect roomate in the world, but for me...she'll try harder"
Fuck that.
As much as I have to remind you like a child to clean up after yourself, to turn off lights you don't use. Apparently you don't care what I think, so why would I continue to repeat myself. If letting it slip to you through a grapevine makes it sink in, then that's what will happen.

Don't let it sound like she is the only example I have though, the list is endless. Pretty much covers almost everyone I know at the moment, excluding aquaintences and friends from Missouri. But in the Marine Corps I think secretly they brainwash integrity out of you, but let you and the rest of the world think that the Corps has the highest integity. That is shit that just looks good on paper.
I know another person who can't even admit the truth to themselves. People like this do exist around me, it's almost pathetic. Like the stupid shit people do and say and then try to cover up. They're so desperate for awkward sorts of attention is really all I can imagine it is. But I've definitely asked before, because I hear the rumors and I would rather ask the source than speculate and gossip on. But apparently the gossip is way WAY more accurate than the source itself.
Lesson learned, pretend to trust and believe and care, but always keep in mine, they're a liar, any credibility they have is gone. So it's like a very loooonnngg fictional story you're partly living out.
But I feel bad for them, and I'm nice to them, and I'll be there for them, because if I ever end up that miserable hopefully karma helps and someone will try, multiple times, to tell me I'm being a moron and I need to grow up and stop lying. >.<
However, if I had the opprotunity I wouldn't associate with people who lie to me 24/7. But since that mostly who is around here I'll deal.
If you can't be with the people you love, love the people you're with? Or some shit like that.
I just pretend my life is some weird anime, full of interesting characters, some with deep backstories and other who exist just to linger in the background and make me look good. :)

yea~~

de-motivated.

It's true. I have no motivation for anything USMC related at all. Once upon a time I did. I remember it in shame almost.But it boils down to not that I don't like doing anything, but I don't like the way its done, or I don't like doing it with other people -ahem- Marines.
I'm actually feeling so down in the dumps today I deleted the halfway finished post I started. It wasn't conveying what I wanted to say properly. I'm not the greatest with words. I always need to really formulate my thoughts in order to understand where they're going.
Basically 2012 is starting out as a shitty year. If it continues in this trend I'm doomed. Hopefully it won't though.
I started this post to talk about the Marine Corps. Now I've realized I'd rather not at this moment. Maybe tomorrow when I'm better rested I'll organize my thoughts more precisely.
But in other news my boyfriend of over 2 1/2 years is moving. He received his orders finally. Which I was looking forward to up to now. I figured out of all the choices he put down that hopefully we'd be able to close the distance between us a bit.
Not at all. That was all just dreams a butterflies.
Instead he gets to move to a college town up North. A very prestigious college. Not that he's the type of guy to go out and party it up with strange girls. (Even though according to some people I work with I've already lost him to some hot chic who is smarter than me and we just don't know it yet) I don't like the idea that there will be more females around who might catch his eye.
I've noticed from all the males I work with, apparently no matter how devoted you are, you still check out other women intensely. That thought bothers me, because apparently I'm out of the norm of human beings in that I don't look at other people in that way. I don't feel an attraction to other human beings. I can't look at a guy or girl and be like, "yeah he/she is hot". I've never been able to. Ever. When someone points out some one and makes a comment I look and shrug and continue on.
So maybe I am weird? There's something wrong with my chemical makeup? I don't know.
People just make me sick, overall. Maybe because I've dealt with enough of the type of person I despise. But yet somehow I'm too trusting.
Speaking of being too trusting...that will probably be the topic of my next post. I feel like I have a lot to talk about this week. So I might update more often. I just don't want to make these too long.
I'm going to go play Dead Island now. Which is an amazing game. I'm not THAT great at it, but I enjoy nothing more than spending time with my boyfriend online. Since we don't live in the same state this is the best we have right now. We make the most of it. :)

suicidal PT planner.

So, skipped posting last week. My bad. Nothing really occurred to me to get on here and post about. However I have a topic now, and that's really what's important. Right? 0.o;;
So...as the title shows....suicidal PT planner... Looking at the schedule I'm making for myself to try and be epic by the time the PFT runs around I should probably consider talking to a Chaplain. Because I might die from this. Not because it's anything crazy, but just because its ME doing this plan.
If I manage to stick to it. Like I said, I could die, or ya know...just not do it. I'm good at making plans and then deciding I'm not feeling it. I do it all the time. But here is my current plan for the next few months:

Week	Mon.	Tue.	Wed.	Thu.	Fri.	Sat.	Sun.
1	Off	3M	3M	3M	Off	2M	4M
2	Off	3M	Gym	2M	Off	2M	5M
3	Off	3M	Gym	3M	Off	3M	4M
4	Off	3M	Gym	4M	Off	3M	6M
5	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	3M	5M
6	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	4M	6M
7	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	4M	5M
8	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	4M	6M
9	Off	4M	Gym	4M	Off	4M	5M
10	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	4M	6M
11	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	3M	5M
12	Off	Gym	3M	Off	Off	2M	DONE!

And So that's that...Now granted I've decided that if I'm horribly sore in the legs from playing sports or an epic run previously done I'll switch a run day to a gym day. I'm not a big fan of PTing more than once per a day. I feel it's pointless. But I do want to still work on being able to do pull-ups one day, but since it's not required of my now I need to focus on increasing my speed while running.

I started this schedule this week. Which is why I think I might die from it. I ran 3 miles this morning. Or close to it anyways. I actually had to stop twice during the run because of the intense PAIN I was feeling in my abdomen. Now when I run, I have, ever since joining the Marine Corps, experienced this horrible horrible pain while running. It's not side stitches. I know what those are and how to deal with them. This is a different pain. It's closer to my diaphram, sometimes, like today, it's more to the right, above my floating ribs. It feels like something inside of me is trying to explode outwards.
I have no idea what it is, and everyone I've ever mentions it to just says, "it's your breathing." or "you just don't run enough."
Which is WRONG! Trust me, two years into this I've done a billion different breathing ways and my fair share of running.
But the pain is crippling. If I take deep breaths, like I'm trying to make myself hyperventilate, it lessens. Or if I can distract myself slightly from it, that helps. But once I reach 1 1/2-2 miles thats when it starts and proceeds to get worse till I stop running.
And dear god...If I haven't drank a gallon of water in the past 24 hours... Something I discovered too. I have to practically over dose on water in order to be able to run at all.
My body is really strange.
And I didn't drink hardly any water yesterday, so that didn't help this morning either.
I always try to PT first thing in the morning, I know I should try to do it later, like late evening, because I'm so tired afterwards I'm useless for several hours.
Most people are like, "Wow! I worked out this morning, super early before work, it was so energizing and it really helped me make it through the day!!"
I don't know what workout you do, but mine exhaust me.
and on an ending side note: I still want to play tennis, badminton, or hell even racket ball. I want to take a racket and hit things with it. For realz.

sore muscles.

Played soccer today. Something that I haven't done in forever. I can't remember the last time I played to be exact. It was a bit windy, so at first everyone tried to be pussies about it, but SSgt was not about to let that go down. Though volleyball would have been fun too. I am glad I went outside and played soccer, I can't remember the last time I had that much fun playing a sport...with the office even. :P I didn't get the ball a lot, but I did enough to throw people off their game to get them to make sloppy kicks. So I was proud. And I discovered sprinting back and forth isn't so bad when you don't think of it as sprinting. I definitely ran myself into the ground for no real reason at all other than to make sure I got a good workout during this. And I did, I'm sore all over. Even my back is sore and that confuses me. My arms are okay, you don't use those during soccer. (haha) So playing a fun sport I enjoy is something I'd like to do more often. I think if I did play soccer more I'd be better at running, because I do take bigger steps and move pretty quickly up and down the field. But when I'm running just to run I tire out way more quickly and take tiny baby steps. It's gay. Taking big steps is just tiring, I feel like I'm in a constant sprint, which I don't sprint far or for long. It's a losing battle every time.
Though I've decided I want to play badminton. I don't know why, but that's always a fun game. I'd like to try tennis, but that's only because I've been watching this anime (Prince of Tennis) and it makes tennis look like the most epic thing ever. So I need to try it so I can break through this delusion I have in my head about it. I know, I'm pathetic. But it's awesome. :P
I didn't really have a true topic for this post, I just want to keep to the once a week update thing. I took the time to make this, might as well post on it.
Though a thought I did have about soccer...people who showed up, who knows why, maybe they felt obligated because their peers would be there (and by peers I mean the people they live with), but hardly played at all. And then left! I was actually disappointed, but I guess like basketball isn't my thing, maybe soccer isn't theirs. It was a good game in that everyone was able to get involved at some point or another, and definitely more than once. But those who don't bother to play and give up are the ones who don't even try to get involved, who make it a waste of time. If I'm there I want to get something out of it, even if it is stupid basketball and all I do is sprints back and forth on the court.
I did discover there is a raquet ball court here though, so that might be worth investing some time into. I've played it a few times. I sucked horribly, but it was fun. Worth playing some more to better myself at it.
On a side note: Being here still sucks. I miss being on leave. I dread every minute I'm at work because I'm waiting for the Marine Corps to do something to add to the unhappiness of my life. Like give me unnecessary orders, or send me to stupid courses. I don't like the build up to every work day is dreading what I might be walking into. It's dumb. Life shouldn't be like that. Unfortunetly that's how people make it. *sighs* At least I work a weekend shift this time. I'll probably try and do some weather studying. I feel like I'm forgetting a lot of the finer facts I used to know and just do everything the easy way as of recently. Probably has something to do with my resolution of "Don't care" attitude. But I still want to be good at my job and be that one step above the majority. I don't know why. I just don't like to be looked down on at work. No matter the job. I'm here and I'm going to do it.
The end.

drunken ideas

So Happy late New Years all. I hope you had even close to as fabulous of a time as I did.
Turns out it was a very good thing I was out of town for that particular holiday, it sounded like everyone here had a horrible time. At least those who were partying with my housemate anyways.
Spent the last week in my hometown, USA. Hanging out with people I actually want to be around all the time. It was amazing, I forgot what it was like to not force conversations out of myself, or to be natural, not awkward feeling, or that everything I say and do will be used against me next week. Loved it.
I can't wait till I never have to come back to this job or base, or put my hair up in a friggin' stupid bun ever again!!
But on to the topic of my post:
Drinking games.
Oh yeah~
My brilliant idea for new years to start off and get everyone tipsy was to do a movie with drinks.
Movie: Gladiator
The Game (which we all just lost): Apparently there isn't an actual Gladiator drinking game available online. All of them are pretty much "DRINK EVERY TIME SOMEONE DIES!!" Which means you could go through two bottles of whatever in the first scene alone. and then you'll die.
So here are the rules that we came up with (and we're looking for more if anyone has any good ideas.
1. Drink every time someone says, "Maximus"
2. Drink every time someone says, "Ceasar"
3. Drink every time the emperor gives a thumbs up or down
4. Every time Maximus goes on a soliloquy about honor
5. to be continued....

any contributions? They're welcome. Thank you.