Exhausted.

This past week has been a most trying one for me. Even though the month itself had been great leading up to it. Excluding work, course. I always have to exclude work, since it rarely goes as well as I'd like it to. But I've definitely started a very steep downward stumble. I look forward to the moment I hit rock bottom, so I can know for sure it's over and start back up. But if I manage to stop midway and start back up again, I'm okay with that too.

So, my thirty day challenges. It's very difficult to stick to the actual challenge plan. So my rest days are the days I work. So it will take me more than thirty days to do this. But I think the fact I'm doing it is enough. I enjoy these because I can do them anywhere for the most part, and it involves nothing complicated. However, I don't like doing them in my barracks room when my room mate is present. It's weird to me. So I'll go to the gym and do it there later. The biggest issue I have with the challenges is during the squat challenge, I get BORED. That is my downfall in all I do. When I go to the gym, I'll have to stop and leave because I get bored, I'll get bored of a project I'm working on, a book I started reading (not non-fiction, normally it's something I'm reading for education), school, homework, writing and so on. When I get bored of something, nothing can help me continue except sheer willpower, and depending on the day, I'll be low on that. So when I'm doing squats and I get past 80....I start to get REALLY bored now. I'm not looking forward to the last few weeks when I do close to 200+ squats a day.
But I will keep at it. I need to be able to do pull-ups by next year. That's my goal, the one thing I'm going for, after I can do my pull-ups for the PFT, my fitness goals will change to more accurately reflect what I REALLY want. Which is I smaller, toned body. I hate that I can't wear non-form fitting clothes without looking in a mirror or photos and all I see is a fat body underneath. I've never hated a part of myself so much as I hate my arms. I know I'm stronger, I feel it, but I don't see it. So I need to fix that.

I've also wandered astray from some other goals I set myself towards. I know this is normal, especially when things suddenly change and you're adjusting, or stressed. Which I've been experiencing both for some time now. I spend a lot of time feeling dazed and lost, almost as if I'm continuing on half asleep. When I'm at work I'm a different me. I've managed to start creating a self that is what I need to be at work, but its draining to be that person all the time. So I have a different me that I'll be when it's just me, by myself. I often wonder if either one is really me, or just aspects of a single individual. I recall as a teenager wondering about all this, and find it strange that years later I still have similar thoughts. But I was once told that you don't truly know who you are till after 25. And I'm not there yet, so it makes sense.
Life is about self-discovery. The most important things you learn are often about yourself. There are things about you that you may not even know, or be aware of. There are thoughts and decisions you've never had to make that you won't know how you'll be until that exact moment comes upon you.
We all have a thought of how we'd like to be, but how honest that is, is entirely up to debate. I find self-discovery confusing at times, because I have a nack for seeing both sides of things, I find it easy to try and picture myself thinking like another, to better understand them. Or I think a certain way because I'm supposed to, which is all part of being in the military.
I don't think that means I'm not me, I think that all helps make up who I am. But when I look at myself I have issues deciding on things because things that don't affect me, or my life directly, its difficult to have a stance on.

Maybe one day I'll figure it all out, probably won't be this lifetime though.

I have so much I should do, others want me to do, what I want to do, and in the end I tend to do what absolutely needs to get done. I'll never be able to fully have that marine mind-set, but when I put on my cammies I'll have it for that moment. When I'm working on my school work, for a moment, I'm a scholar. And so on, with everything else.

I have so much I want to dedicate myself to, but when it comes push-to-shove I'm exhausted and just bow out. I can't just pick one thing and that be it. I want to do everything, know tons of information, be physically fit, have my dreams come to life in front of me.
But the one thing I truly work towards everyday is to be with my husband again. When that happens maybe something will change inside me. I can't make those kind of predictions. But I need to find balance in my life. This is something I've just realized.

What I seek
is balance.

suicidal PT planner.

So, skipped posting last week. My bad. Nothing really occurred to me to get on here and post about. However I have a topic now, and that's really what's important. Right? 0.o;;
So...as the title shows....suicidal PT planner... Looking at the schedule I'm making for myself to try and be epic by the time the PFT runs around I should probably consider talking to a Chaplain. Because I might die from this. Not because it's anything crazy, but just because its ME doing this plan.
If I manage to stick to it. Like I said, I could die, or ya know...just not do it. I'm good at making plans and then deciding I'm not feeling it. I do it all the time. But here is my current plan for the next few months:

Week	Mon.	Tue.	Wed.	Thu.	Fri.	Sat.	Sun.
1	Off	3M	3M	3M	Off	2M	4M
2	Off	3M	Gym	2M	Off	2M	5M
3	Off	3M	Gym	3M	Off	3M	4M
4	Off	3M	Gym	4M	Off	3M	6M
5	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	3M	5M
6	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	4M	6M
7	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	4M	5M
8	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	4M	6M
9	Off	4M	Gym	4M	Off	4M	5M
10	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	4M	6M
11	Off	4M	Gym	3M	Off	3M	5M
12	Off	Gym	3M	Off	Off	2M	DONE!

And So that's that...Now granted I've decided that if I'm horribly sore in the legs from playing sports or an epic run previously done I'll switch a run day to a gym day. I'm not a big fan of PTing more than once per a day. I feel it's pointless. But I do want to still work on being able to do pull-ups one day, but since it's not required of my now I need to focus on increasing my speed while running.

I started this schedule this week. Which is why I think I might die from it. I ran 3 miles this morning. Or close to it anyways. I actually had to stop twice during the run because of the intense PAIN I was feeling in my abdomen. Now when I run, I have, ever since joining the Marine Corps, experienced this horrible horrible pain while running. It's not side stitches. I know what those are and how to deal with them. This is a different pain. It's closer to my diaphram, sometimes, like today, it's more to the right, above my floating ribs. It feels like something inside of me is trying to explode outwards.
I have no idea what it is, and everyone I've ever mentions it to just says, "it's your breathing." or "you just don't run enough."
Which is WRONG! Trust me, two years into this I've done a billion different breathing ways and my fair share of running.
But the pain is crippling. If I take deep breaths, like I'm trying to make myself hyperventilate, it lessens. Or if I can distract myself slightly from it, that helps. But once I reach 1 1/2-2 miles thats when it starts and proceeds to get worse till I stop running.
And dear god...If I haven't drank a gallon of water in the past 24 hours... Something I discovered too. I have to practically over dose on water in order to be able to run at all.
My body is really strange.
And I didn't drink hardly any water yesterday, so that didn't help this morning either.
I always try to PT first thing in the morning, I know I should try to do it later, like late evening, because I'm so tired afterwards I'm useless for several hours.
Most people are like, "Wow! I worked out this morning, super early before work, it was so energizing and it really helped me make it through the day!!"
I don't know what workout you do, but mine exhaust me.
and on an ending side note: I still want to play tennis, badminton, or hell even racket ball. I want to take a racket and hit things with it. For realz.