This past week has been a most trying one for me. Even though the month itself had been great leading up to it. Excluding work, course. I always have to exclude work, since it rarely goes as well as I'd like it to. But I've definitely started a very steep downward stumble. I look forward to the moment I hit rock bottom, so I can know for sure it's over and start back up. But if I manage to stop midway and start back up again, I'm okay with that too.
So, my thirty day challenges. It's very difficult to stick to the actual challenge plan. So my rest days are the days I work. So it will take me more than thirty days to do this. But I think the fact I'm doing it is enough. I enjoy these because I can do them anywhere for the most part, and it involves nothing complicated. However, I don't like doing them in my barracks room when my room mate is present. It's weird to me. So I'll go to the gym and do it there later. The biggest issue I have with the challenges is during the squat challenge, I get BORED. That is my downfall in all I do. When I go to the gym, I'll have to stop and leave because I get bored, I'll get bored of a project I'm working on, a book I started reading (not non-fiction, normally it's something I'm reading for education), school, homework, writing and so on. When I get bored of something, nothing can help me continue except sheer willpower, and depending on the day, I'll be low on that. So when I'm doing squats and I get past 80....I start to get REALLY bored now. I'm not looking forward to the last few weeks when I do close to 200+ squats a day.
But I will keep at it. I need to be able to do pull-ups by next year. That's my goal, the one thing I'm going for, after I can do my pull-ups for the PFT, my fitness goals will change to more accurately reflect what I REALLY want. Which is I smaller, toned body. I hate that I can't wear non-form fitting clothes without looking in a mirror or photos and all I see is a fat body underneath. I've never hated a part of myself so much as I hate my arms. I know I'm stronger, I feel it, but I don't see it. So I need to fix that.
I've also wandered astray from some other goals I set myself towards. I know this is normal, especially when things suddenly change and you're adjusting, or stressed. Which I've been experiencing both for some time now. I spend a lot of time feeling dazed and lost, almost as if I'm continuing on half asleep. When I'm at work I'm a different me. I've managed to start creating a self that is what I need to be at work, but its draining to be that person all the time. So I have a different me that I'll be when it's just me, by myself. I often wonder if either one is really me, or just aspects of a single individual. I recall as a teenager wondering about all this, and find it strange that years later I still have similar thoughts. But I was once told that you don't truly know who you are till after 25. And I'm not there yet, so it makes sense.
Life is about self-discovery. The most important things you learn are often about yourself. There are things about you that you may not even know, or be aware of. There are thoughts and decisions you've never had to make that you won't know how you'll be until that exact moment comes upon you.
We all have a thought of how we'd like to be, but how honest that is, is entirely up to debate. I find self-discovery confusing at times, because I have a nack for seeing both sides of things, I find it easy to try and picture myself thinking like another, to better understand them. Or I think a certain way because I'm supposed to, which is all part of being in the military.
I don't think that means I'm not me, I think that all helps make up who I am. But when I look at myself I have issues deciding on things because things that don't affect me, or my life directly, its difficult to have a stance on.
Maybe one day I'll figure it all out, probably won't be this lifetime though.
I have so much I should do, others want me to do, what I want to do, and in the end I tend to do what absolutely needs to get done. I'll never be able to fully have that marine mind-set, but when I put on my cammies I'll have it for that moment. When I'm working on my school work, for a moment, I'm a scholar. And so on, with everything else.
I have so much I want to dedicate myself to, but when it comes push-to-shove I'm exhausted and just bow out. I can't just pick one thing and that be it. I want to do everything, know tons of information, be physically fit, have my dreams come to life in front of me.
But the one thing I truly work towards everyday is to be with my husband again. When that happens maybe something will change inside me. I can't make those kind of predictions. But I need to find balance in my life. This is something I've just realized.
What I seek
is balance.
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Friday, August 23, 2013
Saturday, February 11, 2012
laughing. (Updated since original posting)
So I'm updating simply because I've been forgetting to, but mainly because I've felt hesitant about topics to post about, but since the people I work with spent FOREVER trying to find it online I'm confident that it is indeed unsearchable. So that makes me happy. I've officially deleted myself from the internet. Yay!
So I shall now laugh at them as they admit their defeat and go back to their mindless shift activities. I should be doing homework, or reading chapters, but don't really feel up to it, ever. -_- Cannot wait till I'm not longer a college student. I mean, I'll miss it I'm sure, but working full time and being a student sucks. I hate homework.
Speaking on the douchebags on shift (they call themselves that, so I don't feel bad continueing the reference), these dudes have the biggest issue admitting their own narcissism. I'm not the best at spontaneously speaking my mind unless I've had a change to fully formulate my thoughts. So often times things come out...odd? I don't know, but I make sense to myself and thats good enough for me, but explaining to others is a pain. But THESE GUYS...they think everything has some sort of reference to them. Or another marine. I know its them giving shit, but as much as a joke turns into a no-shit-rumor I don't appreciate nearly as much as I do their other jabs. Saying I'm secretly trying to get with anyone burns me up, and they think its funny because I sit there and laugh and shake my head, and I'll tell them they're fucking wrong. But really, it's not always about you or some other marine you know. You'd think these people would know me enough by now to know that over my dead body will I even consider another human being worth even touching. Honestly, the thought makes me want to puke. Something about the person...I guess you could say an aura of sorts, is really unsettling and just churns my stomach. Maybe it's because I'm so anti-whore/slut/cheater/whatever, but still. I don't even appreciate hugs, and while high-fives are cool even those feel awkward at times. Maybe its because I'm not used to human contact like that, but still. It takes quite a bit for me to muster up a hug even for people I've known for a while.
And call me Cassie one more time fuckers...I'll knife you.
(DISCLAIMER: I won't really knife you, it's just fun to say)
But these guys poke fun at everyone for everything, even if it isn't true at all. Shits just fun to say. So I won't be all freaked out and weird when they say something that is blatently obvious its false and a joke just because I vomit nonsense on occasion. But sometimes I honestly don't know how to react back, and laughter is always worked for me, so it shall continue.
Say what you want, you won't make me cry.
(oh man, I think I just issued a challenge...0.o;; )
....continuing on....
I've been trying to find any sort of motivation still to do anything Marine Corps related. I think slowly my will to learn and work is coming back. But not very much. I've managed to see the bright side to my boyfriend getting put in CT and I don't think I have to worry about going to Japan again. So that's that.
But I would like to discuss other de-motivators that exist out there. I feel like I can't really hate them, because I'm not interested in anything USMC very much either anymore, never was actually, straight out of boot camp I had the "bleh" mindset. BUT-no matter how much I understand their feelings I still feel and intense dislike for a majority of them, because as much as I don't care I feel like I'm still considerate of my surroundings. I understand the Marine Corps, and my office especially now, stresses teamwork and the failure of one is the failure of all. So I put in the effort to at least keep life comfortable, mostly for me, but it helps everyone else too.
So when I see people who joined, who had some idea that the Corps was supposed to be hard and then they are the biggest dirtbags who have been fat since they joined and all they do is fuck up, and don't give a shit about the simplest rules to follow it irks me. It's not that hard to do your job properly. There is an order or and LOI for everything, so you don't really need to worry about knowing what you should or shouldn't do. Some rules are stupid, some we ALL ignore, but to blatently just fuck up and when told "hey don't do that" think you can rely on the fact people in the office like you and think you're a chill person is going to keep you from getting in trouble. Fuck that asshole. You shouldn't be getting paid the same as me, reaping the same benefits if you're not going to try at all. Just because you signed a contract and you can't be fired doesn't mean you don't have your share of shit coming. Someone will be fed up with you one day. And you'll go down. And when you're out of the Corps and you realize the rest of the world won't put up with your shit as much because they don't have to you'll realize your mistake. And it'll be too late. So have a nice shitty life, because that's were you are going. No where.
Whew~ Done with that.
Moving on...next topic....
I said I wanted to cover trust, but I almost don't feel like it. We all know how trust works and how it doesn't work. You learn it as a child and grow up using it and abusing it. My problem is I have a bad habit of slipping into the habit of being too trusting. Even when I know better, it's nicer, easier, makes me feel good inside. But it is almost always a mistake when it comes to Marines. But apparently I live with one of the biggest two-facers I've every known. I hate to say it, I like to try and forget it, almost forgive it. But then she opens her mouth, and vomits out her lies and deceit. THEN I remember. What is sad is I've confronted her about lies before, she'll keep lying. And when she admits her lie, she'll just tell more after.
BUT
she would prefer if I have a problem with her I tell her about it....last time I did that I "ruined her day" she "ended up breaking down at work" she is sorry that "she isn't the most perfect roomate in the world, but for me...she'll try harder"
Fuck that.
As much as I have to remind you like a child to clean up after yourself, to turn off lights you don't use. Apparently you don't care what I think, so why would I continue to repeat myself. If letting it slip to you through a grapevine makes it sink in, then that's what will happen.
Don't let it sound like she is the only example I have though, the list is endless. Pretty much covers almost everyone I know at the moment, excluding aquaintences and friends from Missouri. But in the Marine Corps I think secretly they brainwash integrity out of you, but let you and the rest of the world think that the Corps has the highest integity. That is shit that just looks good on paper.
I know another person who can't even admit the truth to themselves. People like this do exist around me, it's almost pathetic. Like the stupid shit people do and say and then try to cover up. They're so desperate for awkward sorts of attention is really all I can imagine it is. But I've definitely asked before, because I hear the rumors and I would rather ask the source than speculate and gossip on. But apparently the gossip is way WAY more accurate than the source itself.
Lesson learned, pretend to trust and believe and care, but always keep in mine, they're a liar, any credibility they have is gone. So it's like a very loooonnngg fictional story you're partly living out.
But I feel bad for them, and I'm nice to them, and I'll be there for them, because if I ever end up that miserable hopefully karma helps and someone will try, multiple times, to tell me I'm being a moron and I need to grow up and stop lying. >.<
However, if I had the opprotunity I wouldn't associate with people who lie to me 24/7. But since that mostly who is around here I'll deal.
If you can't be with the people you love, love the people you're with? Or some shit like that.
I just pretend my life is some weird anime, full of interesting characters, some with deep backstories and other who exist just to linger in the background and make me look good. :)
yea~~
So I shall now laugh at them as they admit their defeat and go back to their mindless shift activities. I should be doing homework, or reading chapters, but don't really feel up to it, ever. -_- Cannot wait till I'm not longer a college student. I mean, I'll miss it I'm sure, but working full time and being a student sucks. I hate homework.
Speaking on the douchebags on shift (they call themselves that, so I don't feel bad continueing the reference), these dudes have the biggest issue admitting their own narcissism. I'm not the best at spontaneously speaking my mind unless I've had a change to fully formulate my thoughts. So often times things come out...odd? I don't know, but I make sense to myself and thats good enough for me, but explaining to others is a pain. But THESE GUYS...they think everything has some sort of reference to them. Or another marine. I know its them giving shit, but as much as a joke turns into a no-shit-rumor I don't appreciate nearly as much as I do their other jabs. Saying I'm secretly trying to get with anyone burns me up, and they think its funny because I sit there and laugh and shake my head, and I'll tell them they're fucking wrong. But really, it's not always about you or some other marine you know. You'd think these people would know me enough by now to know that over my dead body will I even consider another human being worth even touching. Honestly, the thought makes me want to puke. Something about the person...I guess you could say an aura of sorts, is really unsettling and just churns my stomach. Maybe it's because I'm so anti-whore/slut/cheater/whatever, but still. I don't even appreciate hugs, and while high-fives are cool even those feel awkward at times. Maybe its because I'm not used to human contact like that, but still. It takes quite a bit for me to muster up a hug even for people I've known for a while.
And call me Cassie one more time fuckers...I'll knife you.
(DISCLAIMER: I won't really knife you, it's just fun to say)
But these guys poke fun at everyone for everything, even if it isn't true at all. Shits just fun to say. So I won't be all freaked out and weird when they say something that is blatently obvious its false and a joke just because I vomit nonsense on occasion. But sometimes I honestly don't know how to react back, and laughter is always worked for me, so it shall continue.
Say what you want, you won't make me cry.
(oh man, I think I just issued a challenge...0.o;; )
....continuing on....
I've been trying to find any sort of motivation still to do anything Marine Corps related. I think slowly my will to learn and work is coming back. But not very much. I've managed to see the bright side to my boyfriend getting put in CT and I don't think I have to worry about going to Japan again. So that's that.
But I would like to discuss other de-motivators that exist out there. I feel like I can't really hate them, because I'm not interested in anything USMC very much either anymore, never was actually, straight out of boot camp I had the "bleh" mindset. BUT-no matter how much I understand their feelings I still feel and intense dislike for a majority of them, because as much as I don't care I feel like I'm still considerate of my surroundings. I understand the Marine Corps, and my office especially now, stresses teamwork and the failure of one is the failure of all. So I put in the effort to at least keep life comfortable, mostly for me, but it helps everyone else too.
So when I see people who joined, who had some idea that the Corps was supposed to be hard and then they are the biggest dirtbags who have been fat since they joined and all they do is fuck up, and don't give a shit about the simplest rules to follow it irks me. It's not that hard to do your job properly. There is an order or and LOI for everything, so you don't really need to worry about knowing what you should or shouldn't do. Some rules are stupid, some we ALL ignore, but to blatently just fuck up and when told "hey don't do that" think you can rely on the fact people in the office like you and think you're a chill person is going to keep you from getting in trouble. Fuck that asshole. You shouldn't be getting paid the same as me, reaping the same benefits if you're not going to try at all. Just because you signed a contract and you can't be fired doesn't mean you don't have your share of shit coming. Someone will be fed up with you one day. And you'll go down. And when you're out of the Corps and you realize the rest of the world won't put up with your shit as much because they don't have to you'll realize your mistake. And it'll be too late. So have a nice shitty life, because that's were you are going. No where.
Whew~ Done with that.
Moving on...next topic....
I said I wanted to cover trust, but I almost don't feel like it. We all know how trust works and how it doesn't work. You learn it as a child and grow up using it and abusing it. My problem is I have a bad habit of slipping into the habit of being too trusting. Even when I know better, it's nicer, easier, makes me feel good inside. But it is almost always a mistake when it comes to Marines. But apparently I live with one of the biggest two-facers I've every known. I hate to say it, I like to try and forget it, almost forgive it. But then she opens her mouth, and vomits out her lies and deceit. THEN I remember. What is sad is I've confronted her about lies before, she'll keep lying. And when she admits her lie, she'll just tell more after.
BUT
she would prefer if I have a problem with her I tell her about it....last time I did that I "ruined her day" she "ended up breaking down at work" she is sorry that "she isn't the most perfect roomate in the world, but for me...she'll try harder"
Fuck that.
As much as I have to remind you like a child to clean up after yourself, to turn off lights you don't use. Apparently you don't care what I think, so why would I continue to repeat myself. If letting it slip to you through a grapevine makes it sink in, then that's what will happen.
Don't let it sound like she is the only example I have though, the list is endless. Pretty much covers almost everyone I know at the moment, excluding aquaintences and friends from Missouri. But in the Marine Corps I think secretly they brainwash integrity out of you, but let you and the rest of the world think that the Corps has the highest integity. That is shit that just looks good on paper.
I know another person who can't even admit the truth to themselves. People like this do exist around me, it's almost pathetic. Like the stupid shit people do and say and then try to cover up. They're so desperate for awkward sorts of attention is really all I can imagine it is. But I've definitely asked before, because I hear the rumors and I would rather ask the source than speculate and gossip on. But apparently the gossip is way WAY more accurate than the source itself.
Lesson learned, pretend to trust and believe and care, but always keep in mine, they're a liar, any credibility they have is gone. So it's like a very loooonnngg fictional story you're partly living out.
But I feel bad for them, and I'm nice to them, and I'll be there for them, because if I ever end up that miserable hopefully karma helps and someone will try, multiple times, to tell me I'm being a moron and I need to grow up and stop lying. >.<
However, if I had the opprotunity I wouldn't associate with people who lie to me 24/7. But since that mostly who is around here I'll deal.
If you can't be with the people you love, love the people you're with? Or some shit like that.
I just pretend my life is some weird anime, full of interesting characters, some with deep backstories and other who exist just to linger in the background and make me look good. :)
yea~~
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
de-motivated.
It's true. I have no motivation for anything USMC related at all. Once upon a time I did. I remember it in shame almost.But it boils down to not that I don't like doing anything, but I don't like the way its done, or I don't like doing it with other people -ahem- Marines.
I'm actually feeling so down in the dumps today I deleted the halfway finished post I started. It wasn't conveying what I wanted to say properly. I'm not the greatest with words. I always need to really formulate my thoughts in order to understand where they're going.
Basically 2012 is starting out as a shitty year. If it continues in this trend I'm doomed. Hopefully it won't though.
I started this post to talk about the Marine Corps. Now I've realized I'd rather not at this moment. Maybe tomorrow when I'm better rested I'll organize my thoughts more precisely.
But in other news my boyfriend of over 2 1/2 years is moving. He received his orders finally. Which I was looking forward to up to now. I figured out of all the choices he put down that hopefully we'd be able to close the distance between us a bit.
Not at all. That was all just dreams a butterflies.
Instead he gets to move to a college town up North. A very prestigious college. Not that he's the type of guy to go out and party it up with strange girls. (Even though according to some people I work with I've already lost him to some hot chic who is smarter than me and we just don't know it yet) I don't like the idea that there will be more females around who might catch his eye.
I've noticed from all the males I work with, apparently no matter how devoted you are, you still check out other women intensely. That thought bothers me, because apparently I'm out of the norm of human beings in that I don't look at other people in that way. I don't feel an attraction to other human beings. I can't look at a guy or girl and be like, "yeah he/she is hot". I've never been able to. Ever. When someone points out some one and makes a comment I look and shrug and continue on.
So maybe I am weird? There's something wrong with my chemical makeup? I don't know.
People just make me sick, overall. Maybe because I've dealt with enough of the type of person I despise. But yet somehow I'm too trusting.
Speaking of being too trusting...that will probably be the topic of my next post. I feel like I have a lot to talk about this week. So I might update more often. I just don't want to make these too long.
I'm going to go play Dead Island now. Which is an amazing game. I'm not THAT great at it, but I enjoy nothing more than spending time with my boyfriend online. Since we don't live in the same state this is the best we have right now. We make the most of it. :)
I'm actually feeling so down in the dumps today I deleted the halfway finished post I started. It wasn't conveying what I wanted to say properly. I'm not the greatest with words. I always need to really formulate my thoughts in order to understand where they're going.
Basically 2012 is starting out as a shitty year. If it continues in this trend I'm doomed. Hopefully it won't though.
I started this post to talk about the Marine Corps. Now I've realized I'd rather not at this moment. Maybe tomorrow when I'm better rested I'll organize my thoughts more precisely.
But in other news my boyfriend of over 2 1/2 years is moving. He received his orders finally. Which I was looking forward to up to now. I figured out of all the choices he put down that hopefully we'd be able to close the distance between us a bit.
Not at all. That was all just dreams a butterflies.
Instead he gets to move to a college town up North. A very prestigious college. Not that he's the type of guy to go out and party it up with strange girls. (Even though according to some people I work with I've already lost him to some hot chic who is smarter than me and we just don't know it yet) I don't like the idea that there will be more females around who might catch his eye.
I've noticed from all the males I work with, apparently no matter how devoted you are, you still check out other women intensely. That thought bothers me, because apparently I'm out of the norm of human beings in that I don't look at other people in that way. I don't feel an attraction to other human beings. I can't look at a guy or girl and be like, "yeah he/she is hot". I've never been able to. Ever. When someone points out some one and makes a comment I look and shrug and continue on.
So maybe I am weird? There's something wrong with my chemical makeup? I don't know.
People just make me sick, overall. Maybe because I've dealt with enough of the type of person I despise. But yet somehow I'm too trusting.
Speaking of being too trusting...that will probably be the topic of my next post. I feel like I have a lot to talk about this week. So I might update more often. I just don't want to make these too long.
I'm going to go play Dead Island now. Which is an amazing game. I'm not THAT great at it, but I enjoy nothing more than spending time with my boyfriend online. Since we don't live in the same state this is the best we have right now. We make the most of it. :)
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