Arm-Chair Pagan.

Well, here is my next. Looks like it's going to be another discussion post.
Ewwww, I'm sorry.
I did do a few projects in the past week, I'll share those in a post eventually. I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind recently.
My religion?
I am, by no means, a 'religious' person. I am not extremely devout, I am not strongly opinionated overall and I've always had a list of reasons why.
5-10 years ago my reasoning was that my parents didn't approve, I didn't have the money to buy the things all the beginner books say you need, and I rarely had any free time.
After high school, I briefly spent time in college before joining the Marine Corps. And then it was a matter of me not having anywhere to practice, or being too exhausted from all my training.
Over the years I've slowly collected objects that I use on my altar.
And except for two years in the past ten years, I've always had some sort of altar set up. Most of the time it was merely meditational. When I was in Japan I started making it seasonal, or for the different holidays.
But I never devoted the time I felt I should to be able to call myself Pagan.
Like celebrating the moon cycles, the sun cycles, spending time connecting with deities, or even doing simple spells. I've done some circles here and there, a few ceremonies. I've wrote my own rituals, joined some pagan forums, but I don't avidly practice.

And for some reason this makes me feel guilty, like a christian skipping church.

One of the facebook groups I'm a part of and read regularly, once used a term called "Arm-chair Pagan" to essentially describe people who read lots of books, but don't actually do anything.
It was a knife through the ribs, almost.
I do my share of internet research, I own a few books, I have an altar I take care of and use, but am I an 'Arm-Chair Pagan'?

One of the big things that I always find myself stopping at is the connecting with the Gods. I thought about it for a while, meditated on it intensely, and I believe I am a hard polytheist.
 I read Scott Cunninham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. And in the book he says something similar to that Gods and Goddesses are complimentary, equal to one another. They can be named or nameless.
I understand that a God and a Goddess are equal, and that there are people who worship a 'God' and a 'Goddess', and then there are those who have specific deities they worship. But one of the things I thought about after reading that was are all Gods and Goddesses separate beings who who reigned originally over their part of the world, spreading out as ideas and concepts where shared culture to culture? I've always believed in multiple Gods, but just narrowing it down to two seems like cheating, being lazy. Unless it is more of a simple way of honoring all the Gods at once? You're not saying literally there is only two (Unless it's as if it is the aspects of them you're worshiping).
You are honoring "The Gods" male and female who watch over you. Until maybe one day they name themselves to you...
Though the phrase still makes me pause. Two perfect lovers, in harmony and spiritual parents to us all. It's a nice thought, but it feels more of an idea, a wish. But ideas hold real power. So perhaps we shall see. Maybe the "Gods" and "Goddesses" are the power from which all Gods come. The Ultimate ones. All other deities come from them. So they are part of, but separate?
The possibilities are endless.
Some discuss that the different deities are aspects of the single  God and Goddess. Different views of them, like personalities. Pantheons or deities, all separate, but make up the ultimate. 

See my problem? I get caught up in the strangest details. Here I am writing an essay on the origin of Gods and if they are truly the same or different. Because when you look at the pantheons you see the same ideas over and over again. Are they the same deities with different names based on culture? Or are they individual beings?

And then most eventually have their patron deity. I don't even know where to start with that. I can't even pick a pantheon I was to initially focus on. So I just go with a generic God and Goddess approach. It works (I think?).

But to do magic you don't have to use the specifics of Gods. There are witches who practice magic, but don't consider themselves to fall into a catagory of pagan (Such as wiccan, druid or so on). They are practitioners. The whole saying about how not every Wiccan is a Witch and not every Witch is a Wiccan, you can be one or both. That's where that comes into play.

But then the things I do throughout my day could be considered part of my beliefs. I say affirmations, I meditate (think hard and focus) on ideas and problems, I have good luck charms, I believe in cleansing areas, I do a bit of energy work here and there, grounding myself when I feel jittery...
But I don't think about it as "Oh! I'm doing pagan things!" To me that's just part of my life and how I do things.

So am I not an arm-chair pagan after all?

Do I over think things? (yes!)

To be honest, I've considered just giving up on the whole "Having a religion" thing. Just call myself agnostic and go about my life, being a good person. But I can't. I had my entire Marine Corps contract as an opportunity to do that, and I can't. I always get drawn right back in, or feel like something is missing from my life.
I guess you can't help some things about yourself.
But I don't think the negative things picky people say should make me feel guilty because I don't come out of the woodworks to celebrate the Sabbats (they have a name for people who just do that too), and I don't do divination every week, and have a fancy collection of Wiccan things.

I do things in my own way, however small, or grand I choose. I do have a life of chaos to live. And I hope others who struggle as I did to overcome those thoughts and feelings don't get deterred (Or attacked on a forum).

What things have other's struggled with throughout their time, I wonder?
I mean, I've been a student for ten years, but I feel as if I'm just a child at this, which I suppose is normal. We are talking about something literally beyond my scope of existence.

Litha

Anti-Substance abuse

So since I was vacationing all last week I didn't have anything planned for this post. Considered writing about my vacation, but changed my mind. It was great, Maine is gorgeous, and when you go to a small town in Canada for just one night the guys at the border checking passports will be very suspicious of you. XD
I decided I wanted to discuss my view on drugs and alcohol. Which sometimes I wonder if they're really even MY views. I've known a lot of people who, as teens, pretty much had their life drastically changed by the choices they made. Which seems like a "Duh" statement to make. But I almost said, "Ruined" instead. I don't think they see it that way though. But the people they hung out with, the drugs they did, the drinking they did, and the decisions that results from their actions isn't something they always look back proud on. Seeing the difference between how their lives are and mine, when the difference between us is that I chose not to do drugs, I stayed in school, I felt too uncomfortable being in close proximity to the other gender, that I never really "dated" until the end of high school, and as dissatisfied with my life as I am and I look at theirs....I feel very satisfied with my life.
I still talk to those people, just not very often anymore. But they admitted all the drugs and drinking they did ruined their brains. I can tell just from our conversations they're different. They repeat things often, easily forget conversations or things I've already told them, get confused easily and don't understand a lot. But as adults, I'm pretty sure they just pretend. Or make things up to fill in the gaps.
I think being close to these people who went through drastic changes in their youth made my stance on drugs as extreme as it is.
I loathe drug abuse.
And most drug use. I'm talking even something as simple as weed. Stoners irritate me, and the fact its becoming acceptable in most states frustrates  me.
But once upon a time alcohol was an illegal substance, and I enjoy that today. So I can't be totally judgmental about it. 
So honestly I wonder if its because I grew up with "Alcohol is okay, weed and all other drugs aren't." so instilled in me that shaped my beliefs to this day.
So the generation that grows up in a society with legal marijuana will treat it the same as how I view alcohol?
Granted I don't enjoy drinking till I pass out, I don't drink more than maybe once a month, and I don't like being around people who drink because nothing is fun unless their drunk.
So...that covers a lot of people my age's weekends, that I wouldn't want to be a part of.
Another interesting tidbit: I abhor cigarettes, but I'm okay with cigars....
Maybe because all the hype with cigarettes and you never hear about cigars?
Perhaps because I've spent so much time being forced to be with groups that smoke cigarettes all the time, but cigar smoking is more of a special thing, on occasion?
I don't know.
But I guess all things in moderation are probably okay. Except for hard drugs. Those will ruin your life. Being an addict to anything is a life ruiner if you can't control yourself or the addiction. Even worse if you don't recognize you have a problem.
I do believe though that people addicted to drugs shouldn't be treated as criminals (unless they are), but they should be treated as a medical problem and given help, forcibly.

So that's my pointless post for the week. I'll try to do better next time, have something interesting, maybe a project? :D

But I'm curious what other people's views are on drugs and alcohol, substance abuse, criminalizing it, or not, and why?
Granted no one reads this, but if you do, ever, anytime in the future, feel free to chime in. I'm always up for having my views enlightened or changed.

Future Seer.

Not much going on, my in-laws are visiting for a fishing trip and traveling the New England states (There was a mention of going to Canada?). So this is just going to be a discussion post.
I like taking time and looking back and comparing it to where I am now. Ten years ago when I imagined my life as a 25 year old it was nothing like how my life actually is now.
But honestly I think the majority of that change as to do with my decision to join the military. Which was something I never considered doing. I was raised with the thoughts of: "When I graduate high school I'm going to college, I will get degrees in things and then get a job."
My biggest challenge was the realization that I had no idea what I actually wanted to do as a career. Even as a teenager I knew my limits and what I was capable of, as well as how hard a job might be success-wise.
I wanted to be an astronaut, a psychologist, political leader, teacher, geneticist and so on.
I knew I was going to be none of those things over the next few years because:
Astronaut school is hard, and I'm probably not smart enough to get in.
Psychology is great, but being an actual psychologist would not be where I ended up, I'd most likely need to use my degree in another field, and I don't think I'm smart enough for a doctorate anyways.
I could never be a political leader because I don't care about ALL politics.
I couldn't become a teacher because everyone is doing that, and teaching degrees are only good for the state you get them in. I don't know what state I'm going to live in when I'm an adult. I need to be able to work anywhere in the country.
And genetics was once again a smart thing.
I'm not dumb, by any means. I am definitely above average (I've been tested multiple times for special programs), but if I'm not interested in learning it, or comprehend all of it I have issues.
Most degrees and jobs require a lot of, essentially, useless classes.
(#1 reason I won't get a degree in Meteorology even though that's been my job for years now)
But if I have to take a million math classes, or science classes I'm not interested in I won't learn it. I enjoyed chemistry, but I struggled a lot in all my chemistry classes. I couldn't imagine struggling in a class I don't care about. 
And we're talking about my thoughts as a 15 year old.
So now as a 25 year old, official adult, new civilian, I look towards the future and think, "Where will I be in ten years?"
It's good to ask these questions, to have long-term life goals. I hated them in school because I had no clue.
To this day I have no clue.

I wonder if anyone does.

And now that I'm married and living with my spouse I don't look at my future as just mine anymore. It's "our" future. Everything about his life will affect mine in one way or another.
Where he gets stationed, how long he stays in, promotions...
His life might affect my life more than my life decisions affect it.
So really at this point my life consists of just preparing for worst case scenarios, and praying none of them ever occur.
But there are things that I'm pretty sure will happen between now and ten years.
I will have my master's degree in (hopefully) library science. If not then I will have my BA in Social science and have done some sort of other degree. Because I will use every penny of my Post 9/11 GI Bill. Every Penny. 
I will have children. This is highly likely. Kids are something I've always imagined having in my late twenties. I just don't know how that will end up. I think having kids is scary. Sure, it's a magical process of creating a human life and some women take to it like ducks on water. I feel deep in my soul I will probably not be lucky enough to be one of those women. I think of having children and all I can think of is everything that could go wrong.
Though it could be because I'm not ready to have kids yet. My husband is not ready to have kids yet. If we have one, then that's fine, it was meant to be. But we are not mentally prepared to go out of our way to make a baby yet. So maybe my fears associated with that will change as I grow.

 In ten years, if my husband has stayed in the service till then he would have been in for 17 years! That means we're a skip and a hop from him retiring. Which is crazy for someone who is 35 to be thinking about. But that's only if the military doesn't try and change that before then. Either way, that's 17 years of service, we'll be looking at where we want to permanently settle to live out our lives. Deciding on whether we want to design and build our own house or buy one and remodel the crap out of it! That's some exciting stuff to think about.

Either way, I look forward to seeing where I end up in ten years, and looking back on my thoughts from now and chuckling at them the same way I do at my thoughts as a 15 year old.

I don't dread getting older. I think I've come to embrace the thought of it. I look at my in-laws and my parents and their lives have only gotten better with age. And they're not even old! So I guess my idea of being "old" might have become older than most's. And I'm okay with that. I plan on being around and doing things for a long time with my spouse.

Until then I'm just chilling in the uncertainty of the present, trying to figure out what dinner is going to be, and if my enrollment for school will work out okay.
But here is what I could look like as an old lady: I sort of look like my grandma. Which is awesome, because she is an amazing woman.

Recently free.

Well, so much for those regular postings. Should have done them every other week so they would have lasted longer. :P

No project this week, just some thoughts. I've had a lot of life changes recently.
I moved back to the United States. Spent some time in California at Camp Pendleton for outprocessing.
Collected my DD214.
Moved to CT, where my husband is.
Helped him finish moving apartments, before he left for two weeks of training.

Did I mentioned I got my DD214?
For the non-military folks out there, that is one of the most important documents a servicemember will ever recieve from the government. You recieve it at the end of your contract, it is your one and only proof that you are no longer in the military, and under what honor you got out under.
So here I am, taking my first steps back into the civilian world.
I'm technically still active duty, until July 20th. Then I'll be in the inactive ready reserve (IRR). So I do nothing military, but I'm still on call.

Four and half years of being in the Marine Corps....It's crazy to think about. And since I've had nothing but free time recently, I've done a lot of reflection.

There are things I am going to miss about the military. Quite a few actually.
There are more things I won't miss though, hence why I didn't stay in the military.
I've done enough complaining and ranting in the past four years that I won't start that up here.
I suppose I'm really just feeling weird.
My first several weeks at bootcamp I felt like the whole thing was a bad dream. None of it felt real. I honestly expected to wake up at any moment. And here I am, reliving that feeling. It's so different from what I've been living the past handful of years that it feels surreal. I haven't accepted that I've entered a new stage of my life.
Probably because it scares me. I joined the military for a hundred different reasons. One of the big ones was that I felt trapped in my current life and it was an escape. It was a life changing learning process.
I don't know if I regret doing it or not. There are a lot of things I lost and missed out on while I was active duty. But the things I've done, and seen, and learned are great themselves.
One of the biggest things I got out of the Marine Corps was learning about myself. I was forced into situations and my actions and reactions taught me things I never knew...about who I am and how I view/do things.
Everyone has a self image in their head, of how they are, and how they want to be viewed.
I did, but it was conflicting, going back and forth. I didn't really know myself.
And now I know myself a little bit better.
There are a lot of things I could have done better and excelled more at.
But honestly, there were a lot of times when I didn't want to. There were times where I knew I could be strong, but I chose to be weak, and there were times where I did my best to be as strong as possible and I crumbled.
There were times when I knew I was being a failure, but I'd rather play it off as "I don't care" attitude then admit my own struggles with things I wish I had a natural affinity for, because I can't bring myself to change who I am fundamentally.
But I stayed true to myself, and my personal feelings and beliefs. I didn't try to become something I'm not. Even though I would pretend.
And whether anyone will ever truly grasp this, but I did care.
I cared about a lot of things more than anyone who ever worked with me will ever know.
I would think the greatest thing I learned, the greatest gift the Marine Corps could have taught me:

I like me.

It took me quite a while to come to this realization, and I went through a lot of struggles dealing with an image of a person I was trying to become. And I realized why I couldn't, because I actually like who I am. (Or at least a majority of myself)
A lot of people have issues accepting who they are, or trying to be something, or someone else. I can't do that.
Honestly, I'll never know what those who I worked for thought of me, or what those who worked for me thought of me. I set some pretty poor examples of leadership sometimes, but I also had times where I felt like I kicked ass at my job.

A SSgt once said at a NCO Call (Non-commisioned officer's get together and have discussions about things). "Some of the worst moments in your military career turn out to be some of your best memories."
While I don't think this is true, there is some truth to the statement. The hardships I went through, I can look back on the fact I still did it, I can talk about it with an attitude of ease. The people who where there, or weren't there but did the same thing share that understanding with me.
It's hard to explain in writing I just realized. But after the shit is done and over with, it's another memory, another experience. For Marines the crap you go through brings you together and tightens your bonds to each other (I think its why they drag us through it sometimes).

My time as active duty is over, now I have to focus on the anxieties of "real" life.
College, finding a job, affording things, having a place to live.
But in the same sense, I know after my time in the Corps, I can probably tackle any challenge.

Happiness Tracker

A while back I bought this case of Mason Jars from the Commissary. And I've hardly used them. It was a deal, and they had so many, and I couldn't resist. Mainly because I will use them. I promise.

Well, in my life I feel like I have a lot of negativity. Being in the Marine Corps can often make you feel that way. And I feel as if every year all I can focus on is the negative things, it becomes more difficult to remember the good times that happened throughout the year, because the bad days stick with me more vividly.

I saw a post on Pinterest (my #1 way of wasting time) about a Happiness Jar. Essentially when something good happens, or something that brightens you, whether it be an event, moment or conversation, you simply write it down and put it in the jar. At the end of the year you now have a whole jar full of all the good things that happened to you.
I saw this as a great opportunity to focus on the positive things that occur around me. So I set aside a jar, wrote down some positive things that already happened this year.
And....decided I wanted to decorate my jar.
I'm by no means any sort of decorating expert, but do have an abundance of random craft materials I've slowly collected throughout my time in the military. So I figured I could for sure find some stuff to glue onto this jar. 

 And I did.
This is fabric I found a while back at Tokai Heart, the cute ribbon is from the Daiso. I ironed the fabric, and hot glued it on. For the seams I just folded them under and ironed them.
The Ribbon is crocheted, but I don't know what else to call it than "Ribbon". I just glued a piece of it around the jar, and then glued a bow together and stuck it on.

I decided this was cute.

But I wanted to do more.

I have seen a lot of posts about putting glitter inside or on the outside of mason jars, and I agree, they look fabulous. However, all these DIY's call for mod podge, or something similar that I do not own, and I wasn't going to make a special trip to see if maybe I could find it somewhere near where I live.

Sooo....I used clear fingernail polish. (I'm not joking)
I just dumped enough to almost cover the bottom of the jar, and then I indiscriminately dumped a bunch of brown glitter, and some gold glitter in it. I sacrificed a sponge that I had so I could mix it and smear it around the bottom of the jar and up the sides below the cloth.
I also smeared some around the top of the jar above the cloth, but not nearly as much.

 So I sat that under a fan and decided to paint the lid. I just wiped down the outside to remove any dust of dirt, and took some brown acrylic paint, mixed it with a random amount of silver and painted the lid.


So I wanted to add some bling onto my jar, instead of keeping it just the simple design.




 This is a necklace I've had for around 5 years, maybe. I don't wear it anymore because it's reached the point in its lifespan where it turns my skin green if I sweat while wearing it (I also think the toddler who slobbered on it multiple times while babysitting didn't help either. XD). 
So I glued the bling portion just under the bow, and the rest of the chain I decided to glue around the lid, and leave the excess hanging down.
THAT WAS SUCH A PAIN!
Hot glue is not meant for everything, and honestly I forgot I had super glue (which I don't think would have worked well either) and rubber cement (not sure how that would have went)
But I managed to finally glue it on in a way that it stays, and it won't fall off every time I open the jar. Definitely a trail and error process.

Lastly, I wanted to add something to the top of the lid. I was at the point where if I saw something I wanted to glue on, I was considering just sticking it on. I mean, it's a happiness jar, it should contribute to my happiness, right? XD
So I have a ton of colored glass pebbles, (I use them to play a really nerdy game called Three Dragon Ante) and I have a TON of them. So I selected some and just arranged them in a way where the lid was mostly covered, and then I glued them on.

My jar is complete!! (For now~ >:D)

part time thinker.

Went for a the day before yesterday. Planned on making it a short run, I ended up doing sprints off and on for two miles. It was nice. Gave me much time to think, to physically burned off some stress. It was almost perfect weather outside for the kind of feel I was going for. It was a short break in a storm. The rain had stopped, it was evening, still cloudy out. You could feel the energy in the air. The storm wasn't over yet, but I wanted to go outside anyways. I haven't ran in over a month. Before the PFT I was scared of running because I knew I wouldn't be able to achieve what I wanted to. I loathe running for any other reason than for me. Being diagnosed with asthma was a halfhearted relief. I wonder if my pain really is asthma or if I just settled for that. Settled for any explanation that gives me something I can beat. When I was running yesterday I would sprint until I felt like my lungs would burst, until my body just stopped, but then I would just walk off the pain and then run again. I thought about how I'd like to just run away from everything. To be able to just let go of everything, and feel myself be lifted off the earth, the wings I always have in my dreams spread out and I can just take flight. When I was running it wasn't for physical training, it was to sweat out all the tears I can't cry.
During my slower jogging I would look up at the clouds rolling by and remember my childhood obsession with the elements, with nature. I'd always take those online quizzes of, 'Which Element Are You?'. In reality I knew which element I wanted to be. I always knew which one I wanted to be. Air, I wanted to be uncontainable, free, everywhere there is life, a day dreamer. Water was known for being able to slowly wear away its own path, adaptable,and healing. Earth is always well grounded, solid, nurturing, and full of strength and endurance. Fire was a burning passion, strong will, energy, creates and destroys. In paganism the elements are important, when drawing a sacred circle for workings you invoke the elements, you work with the elements, and it can feel as if they truly work with you. While running I felt slightly more in tune with them again, an energy about that I haven't felt in a long time.
Growing up I always tried to conform myself into what I wanted me to be, but in truth I didn't know anything about myself. To this day I don't. I know what I want, and what I need, but I don't know who I want to be. I don't know how I want to be. In a way I do, but the person I would like to think of myself as, is a person I don't think I'm capable of becoming. I feel as though I've tried this path before, and again and again it has burnt me. Being a good person and believing in those around me with out reason has only shown me how I can't trust the people around me, because as human beings we all carry corruptness within us, due to the society we will, the expectations the world burdens us with. We are forced to play the mind games of others. Especially in the military. You can never just believe that the marines around you are looking out for you. That only occurs if it interests them. If it is convenient for them.
Maybe it is just my personality type. Being an ISFJ apparently describes me to a tee. I never really knew it though. Most things I've come to realize about myself over the years had to be pointed out to me multiple times on different occasions. I don't think I trust people, but I do more than I'd like to admit.
 "They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best."
I do that everyday, with every person. After talking to an individual I can see how they've come to the path they're on. How one can feel trapped in the choices they've made, how nothing is in their control, but yet everything is. 
I tend to think to myself better than I express it to the world around me. I always feel as if I'm taking in information, even stuff I don't understand yet. But if it left an impression on me I will remember it years from when it occurred. 
Like my startling realization while running that I may be more of a Leo than I realized. How I could represent a certain aspect of fire. How was long as I have something to burn on I will rage forth in my own way to cleanse what I feel is wrong. How I will remember all that has happened and I will let it fuel me in the future. 
I won't let myself be forced to become a person I am not, even if it means I will be a Tier III marine. What I do, I do for myself, what I do for myself, I do for the people I love. 
I am proud to be in the Marine Corps, but it is not a proudness I feel while I am there, it is when I look back and I see how I have impacted others, even in the slightest way and it helped them go on, to achieve what they wanted to do. Even if they don't realize it, if I don't even notice. I know that in small ways I make a difference. 
Maybe one day I will be part of something largely impactful. I don't feel as if I ever will. But I will be proud that I made the decision to serve the country I was born in, that I went through the training, I dealt with the pain, and the people. And that I came out no worse of a human being for it. I was part of a mission, and maybe even though if I hadn't been there someone else would be...but it wasn't like that. I've never saved lives, I've never fought in battles, but perhaps because I was there, someone else wasn't. And through that chain of events maybe something good did come from it. 
No one will ever know the extent of the butterfly effect or how deeply it is involved in everything we do. 
But after my running meditational thoughts on the elements and following my thoughts back up the line I decided and single element isn't something that can represent me. The combination of them, put together into the storms that ravage the earth, or save it. Calm, or violent, but beautiful in every way. The energy in the air we all feel in different ways. The energy some ignore because they've lost touch with all that made them come to being. I will never become those people. I will never run through the calm during a storm and not notice the perfect interaction between nature that has caused something magnificent to come into being. Even though I know the science behind it all, I will never let the world lose its magic to me. 
Ever.