Arm-Chair Pagan.

Well, here is my next. Looks like it's going to be another discussion post.
Ewwww, I'm sorry.
I did do a few projects in the past week, I'll share those in a post eventually. I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind recently.
My religion?
I am, by no means, a 'religious' person. I am not extremely devout, I am not strongly opinionated overall and I've always had a list of reasons why.
5-10 years ago my reasoning was that my parents didn't approve, I didn't have the money to buy the things all the beginner books say you need, and I rarely had any free time.
After high school, I briefly spent time in college before joining the Marine Corps. And then it was a matter of me not having anywhere to practice, or being too exhausted from all my training.
Over the years I've slowly collected objects that I use on my altar.
And except for two years in the past ten years, I've always had some sort of altar set up. Most of the time it was merely meditational. When I was in Japan I started making it seasonal, or for the different holidays.
But I never devoted the time I felt I should to be able to call myself Pagan.
Like celebrating the moon cycles, the sun cycles, spending time connecting with deities, or even doing simple spells. I've done some circles here and there, a few ceremonies. I've wrote my own rituals, joined some pagan forums, but I don't avidly practice.

And for some reason this makes me feel guilty, like a christian skipping church.

One of the facebook groups I'm a part of and read regularly, once used a term called "Arm-chair Pagan" to essentially describe people who read lots of books, but don't actually do anything.
It was a knife through the ribs, almost.
I do my share of internet research, I own a few books, I have an altar I take care of and use, but am I an 'Arm-Chair Pagan'?

One of the big things that I always find myself stopping at is the connecting with the Gods. I thought about it for a while, meditated on it intensely, and I believe I am a hard polytheist.
 I read Scott Cunninham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. And in the book he says something similar to that Gods and Goddesses are complimentary, equal to one another. They can be named or nameless.
I understand that a God and a Goddess are equal, and that there are people who worship a 'God' and a 'Goddess', and then there are those who have specific deities they worship. But one of the things I thought about after reading that was are all Gods and Goddesses separate beings who who reigned originally over their part of the world, spreading out as ideas and concepts where shared culture to culture? I've always believed in multiple Gods, but just narrowing it down to two seems like cheating, being lazy. Unless it is more of a simple way of honoring all the Gods at once? You're not saying literally there is only two (Unless it's as if it is the aspects of them you're worshiping).
You are honoring "The Gods" male and female who watch over you. Until maybe one day they name themselves to you...
Though the phrase still makes me pause. Two perfect lovers, in harmony and spiritual parents to us all. It's a nice thought, but it feels more of an idea, a wish. But ideas hold real power. So perhaps we shall see. Maybe the "Gods" and "Goddesses" are the power from which all Gods come. The Ultimate ones. All other deities come from them. So they are part of, but separate?
The possibilities are endless.
Some discuss that the different deities are aspects of the single  God and Goddess. Different views of them, like personalities. Pantheons or deities, all separate, but make up the ultimate. 

See my problem? I get caught up in the strangest details. Here I am writing an essay on the origin of Gods and if they are truly the same or different. Because when you look at the pantheons you see the same ideas over and over again. Are they the same deities with different names based on culture? Or are they individual beings?

And then most eventually have their patron deity. I don't even know where to start with that. I can't even pick a pantheon I was to initially focus on. So I just go with a generic God and Goddess approach. It works (I think?).

But to do magic you don't have to use the specifics of Gods. There are witches who practice magic, but don't consider themselves to fall into a catagory of pagan (Such as wiccan, druid or so on). They are practitioners. The whole saying about how not every Wiccan is a Witch and not every Witch is a Wiccan, you can be one or both. That's where that comes into play.

But then the things I do throughout my day could be considered part of my beliefs. I say affirmations, I meditate (think hard and focus) on ideas and problems, I have good luck charms, I believe in cleansing areas, I do a bit of energy work here and there, grounding myself when I feel jittery...
But I don't think about it as "Oh! I'm doing pagan things!" To me that's just part of my life and how I do things.

So am I not an arm-chair pagan after all?

Do I over think things? (yes!)

To be honest, I've considered just giving up on the whole "Having a religion" thing. Just call myself agnostic and go about my life, being a good person. But I can't. I had my entire Marine Corps contract as an opportunity to do that, and I can't. I always get drawn right back in, or feel like something is missing from my life.
I guess you can't help some things about yourself.
But I don't think the negative things picky people say should make me feel guilty because I don't come out of the woodworks to celebrate the Sabbats (they have a name for people who just do that too), and I don't do divination every week, and have a fancy collection of Wiccan things.

I do things in my own way, however small, or grand I choose. I do have a life of chaos to live. And I hope others who struggle as I did to overcome those thoughts and feelings don't get deterred (Or attacked on a forum).

What things have other's struggled with throughout their time, I wonder?
I mean, I've been a student for ten years, but I feel as if I'm just a child at this, which I suppose is normal. We are talking about something literally beyond my scope of existence.

Litha

Busy bee.

Well, it's August now. The month of my birthday and wedding anniversary. So I'm pretty excited for all that. But I'll save it for another post.

 My DMO (Distribution Management Office) shipment arrived. I think I mentioned it before(?). But it came a few days early, so I was extremely pleased. So of course I immediately started unpacking everything and trying to find places for it.




<<<That's my 34 packages. They wrapped everything. Even my seabags and bookshelves.

Nothing was broken or damaged!! Yay!! Super happy!

As I was unpacking I came across a little package that was just labeled as "Pin"
I was very confused, so I opened it.

I felt 'something' in my heart, just a bit when I unwrapped it's many folds and it was my corporal chevron.
All that wrapping, and such care for a "Pin". I was a bit touched.

That rank was something I carried for half my time in the service. At one point it meant  a lot to me.
But so much occurred that everything I wanted to do sort of always just fell apart. I don't think I was a bad NCO, and I know I was far from being 'the greatest'. But I actually took pride in the fact I was a Corporal. I wish it would have meant more to the rest of the Corps. They only want to you be an NCO when it's convenient. Otherwise it's preferred you just be a friend, or a good follower.
*Ahem*
Not even going to get into trying to express my thoughts on all of that.
We'll just leave it at the sense of how I might miss certain things about my previous lifestyle, and I did not leave the service without a number of regrets. (Many of which I lose sleep over)
But I've decided not to focus on that anymore, and to just look towards a better future!

So onward!

Our basement is now a complete disaster. Though I bet children would have a ton of fun playing in it.
And this is not even it's final form. I'm pretty sure you can barely see that door in the back now. There is more boxes and paper, and more to come, I'm sure.
I don't want to just throw away everything. The paper is in perfect condition still, and the boxes are pristine. I have no idea what to do with them though! If I had kids they'd be the luckiest ever because they'd be getting some sweet box forts or something. But for now I'm gonna fold them all up and try to save them. Never know when you'll need some huge boxes.


On top of all the unpacking I've been enjoying my time in the kitchen too. So has my husband. Though our bank account reflects the inner pain of how sometimes enjoying good food can be pricey. our grocery bill might be beyond what it needs to be. But we eat all the food, and I think our simple but fun dishes are worth it. Especially when you take into account all I've had is chowhall food mostly.

I even got a bit stereotypical and enjoyed some flavored water that is all the rage on Pinterest nowadays.
Orange Blueberry water. It was super tasty! Though I drink a ridiculous amount of water everyday. So a jarful only lasts a few minutes around me.  I would need a whole case of jars to survive a day. So it was more of a treat than anything I guess.
I reused the berries and orange slices multiple times, they held a lot of flavor. Though I didn't taste much of the blueberries. It was mostly orange.
If I was to make a habit out of enjoying flavored water everyday I'd have to save it for just meals or relaxing time. I did enjoy not drinking just plain water for once, but using fruit at that rate isn't something I should do often. Fruit isn't cheap around here.

 I'm feeling a bit not up to going through all the crazy steps to rotate this picture on google. So we'll all just rotate our faces and see this delicious creation. We were going to have BBQ chicken pizza, but decided that BBQ Chicken Crescent Pizza rolls would be awesome too. We ate all of them. They were way too good.

 The hubs had Gatewatch on Friday, so I didn't see him till Saturday (Gatewatch is exactly what it sounds like. You sit at the front gate and check people's ID's and watch the area. You are only there from open to close, but the shift is 24 hours because then you stay overnight for base security). It's really lame, and probably pointless. But I wanted him to have something to look forward too when coming home, other than just looking forward to coming home. So I decided to try my own hand at some form of crepes.

These aren't overly beautiful or anything. Not sure if they are even technically considered true crepes.

 But they were super delicious!! We've had them twice now, maybe three times. Usually we just spread some creme cheese on them with some fruit, or peanut butter and fruit. They are magical. We definitely over-ate the first time we had them. We're slowly learning control when it comes to delicious meals. (hahaha!)

Our most recent kitchen en devour was curry.
I cannot express how excited I was when I found multiple Asian markets in our area and they carry a lot of interesting things. We've only been to one so far, and it carried the curry cubes I wanted. I'm sure nothing will compare to actually having curry in Japan. But this stuff was pretty darn good! Though we bought hot and extremely hot, but to me, they taste more like extremely mild. So next time gonna spice it up myself, maybe build up a coco's spicy sweat. :P
It was a very thick sauce though, and we had beef cubes, carrots, onions, and potatoes in it. When making it I felt like I was making stew, and then turned it into curry.

I want Yakiniku and Gyudon with all my heart though. I like to whisper it at night in bed before falling asleep, so maybe my husband will dream of meat and want it as bad as I do too. (He just thinks I'm really weird at the moment)