Arm-Chair Pagan.

Well, here is my next. Looks like it's going to be another discussion post.
Ewwww, I'm sorry.
I did do a few projects in the past week, I'll share those in a post eventually. I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind recently.
My religion?
I am, by no means, a 'religious' person. I am not extremely devout, I am not strongly opinionated overall and I've always had a list of reasons why.
5-10 years ago my reasoning was that my parents didn't approve, I didn't have the money to buy the things all the beginner books say you need, and I rarely had any free time.
After high school, I briefly spent time in college before joining the Marine Corps. And then it was a matter of me not having anywhere to practice, or being too exhausted from all my training.
Over the years I've slowly collected objects that I use on my altar.
And except for two years in the past ten years, I've always had some sort of altar set up. Most of the time it was merely meditational. When I was in Japan I started making it seasonal, or for the different holidays.
But I never devoted the time I felt I should to be able to call myself Pagan.
Like celebrating the moon cycles, the sun cycles, spending time connecting with deities, or even doing simple spells. I've done some circles here and there, a few ceremonies. I've wrote my own rituals, joined some pagan forums, but I don't avidly practice.

And for some reason this makes me feel guilty, like a christian skipping church.

One of the facebook groups I'm a part of and read regularly, once used a term called "Arm-chair Pagan" to essentially describe people who read lots of books, but don't actually do anything.
It was a knife through the ribs, almost.
I do my share of internet research, I own a few books, I have an altar I take care of and use, but am I an 'Arm-Chair Pagan'?

One of the big things that I always find myself stopping at is the connecting with the Gods. I thought about it for a while, meditated on it intensely, and I believe I am a hard polytheist.
 I read Scott Cunninham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. And in the book he says something similar to that Gods and Goddesses are complimentary, equal to one another. They can be named or nameless.
I understand that a God and a Goddess are equal, and that there are people who worship a 'God' and a 'Goddess', and then there are those who have specific deities they worship. But one of the things I thought about after reading that was are all Gods and Goddesses separate beings who who reigned originally over their part of the world, spreading out as ideas and concepts where shared culture to culture? I've always believed in multiple Gods, but just narrowing it down to two seems like cheating, being lazy. Unless it is more of a simple way of honoring all the Gods at once? You're not saying literally there is only two (Unless it's as if it is the aspects of them you're worshiping).
You are honoring "The Gods" male and female who watch over you. Until maybe one day they name themselves to you...
Though the phrase still makes me pause. Two perfect lovers, in harmony and spiritual parents to us all. It's a nice thought, but it feels more of an idea, a wish. But ideas hold real power. So perhaps we shall see. Maybe the "Gods" and "Goddesses" are the power from which all Gods come. The Ultimate ones. All other deities come from them. So they are part of, but separate?
The possibilities are endless.
Some discuss that the different deities are aspects of the single  God and Goddess. Different views of them, like personalities. Pantheons or deities, all separate, but make up the ultimate. 

See my problem? I get caught up in the strangest details. Here I am writing an essay on the origin of Gods and if they are truly the same or different. Because when you look at the pantheons you see the same ideas over and over again. Are they the same deities with different names based on culture? Or are they individual beings?

And then most eventually have their patron deity. I don't even know where to start with that. I can't even pick a pantheon I was to initially focus on. So I just go with a generic God and Goddess approach. It works (I think?).

But to do magic you don't have to use the specifics of Gods. There are witches who practice magic, but don't consider themselves to fall into a catagory of pagan (Such as wiccan, druid or so on). They are practitioners. The whole saying about how not every Wiccan is a Witch and not every Witch is a Wiccan, you can be one or both. That's where that comes into play.

But then the things I do throughout my day could be considered part of my beliefs. I say affirmations, I meditate (think hard and focus) on ideas and problems, I have good luck charms, I believe in cleansing areas, I do a bit of energy work here and there, grounding myself when I feel jittery...
But I don't think about it as "Oh! I'm doing pagan things!" To me that's just part of my life and how I do things.

So am I not an arm-chair pagan after all?

Do I over think things? (yes!)

To be honest, I've considered just giving up on the whole "Having a religion" thing. Just call myself agnostic and go about my life, being a good person. But I can't. I had my entire Marine Corps contract as an opportunity to do that, and I can't. I always get drawn right back in, or feel like something is missing from my life.
I guess you can't help some things about yourself.
But I don't think the negative things picky people say should make me feel guilty because I don't come out of the woodworks to celebrate the Sabbats (they have a name for people who just do that too), and I don't do divination every week, and have a fancy collection of Wiccan things.

I do things in my own way, however small, or grand I choose. I do have a life of chaos to live. And I hope others who struggle as I did to overcome those thoughts and feelings don't get deterred (Or attacked on a forum).

What things have other's struggled with throughout their time, I wonder?
I mean, I've been a student for ten years, but I feel as if I'm just a child at this, which I suppose is normal. We are talking about something literally beyond my scope of existence.

Litha

Anti-Substance abuse

So since I was vacationing all last week I didn't have anything planned for this post. Considered writing about my vacation, but changed my mind. It was great, Maine is gorgeous, and when you go to a small town in Canada for just one night the guys at the border checking passports will be very suspicious of you. XD
I decided I wanted to discuss my view on drugs and alcohol. Which sometimes I wonder if they're really even MY views. I've known a lot of people who, as teens, pretty much had their life drastically changed by the choices they made. Which seems like a "Duh" statement to make. But I almost said, "Ruined" instead. I don't think they see it that way though. But the people they hung out with, the drugs they did, the drinking they did, and the decisions that results from their actions isn't something they always look back proud on. Seeing the difference between how their lives are and mine, when the difference between us is that I chose not to do drugs, I stayed in school, I felt too uncomfortable being in close proximity to the other gender, that I never really "dated" until the end of high school, and as dissatisfied with my life as I am and I look at theirs....I feel very satisfied with my life.
I still talk to those people, just not very often anymore. But they admitted all the drugs and drinking they did ruined their brains. I can tell just from our conversations they're different. They repeat things often, easily forget conversations or things I've already told them, get confused easily and don't understand a lot. But as adults, I'm pretty sure they just pretend. Or make things up to fill in the gaps.
I think being close to these people who went through drastic changes in their youth made my stance on drugs as extreme as it is.
I loathe drug abuse.
And most drug use. I'm talking even something as simple as weed. Stoners irritate me, and the fact its becoming acceptable in most states frustrates  me.
But once upon a time alcohol was an illegal substance, and I enjoy that today. So I can't be totally judgmental about it. 
So honestly I wonder if its because I grew up with "Alcohol is okay, weed and all other drugs aren't." so instilled in me that shaped my beliefs to this day.
So the generation that grows up in a society with legal marijuana will treat it the same as how I view alcohol?
Granted I don't enjoy drinking till I pass out, I don't drink more than maybe once a month, and I don't like being around people who drink because nothing is fun unless their drunk.
So...that covers a lot of people my age's weekends, that I wouldn't want to be a part of.
Another interesting tidbit: I abhor cigarettes, but I'm okay with cigars....
Maybe because all the hype with cigarettes and you never hear about cigars?
Perhaps because I've spent so much time being forced to be with groups that smoke cigarettes all the time, but cigar smoking is more of a special thing, on occasion?
I don't know.
But I guess all things in moderation are probably okay. Except for hard drugs. Those will ruin your life. Being an addict to anything is a life ruiner if you can't control yourself or the addiction. Even worse if you don't recognize you have a problem.
I do believe though that people addicted to drugs shouldn't be treated as criminals (unless they are), but they should be treated as a medical problem and given help, forcibly.

So that's my pointless post for the week. I'll try to do better next time, have something interesting, maybe a project? :D

But I'm curious what other people's views are on drugs and alcohol, substance abuse, criminalizing it, or not, and why?
Granted no one reads this, but if you do, ever, anytime in the future, feel free to chime in. I'm always up for having my views enlightened or changed.

Future Seer.

Not much going on, my in-laws are visiting for a fishing trip and traveling the New England states (There was a mention of going to Canada?). So this is just going to be a discussion post.
I like taking time and looking back and comparing it to where I am now. Ten years ago when I imagined my life as a 25 year old it was nothing like how my life actually is now.
But honestly I think the majority of that change as to do with my decision to join the military. Which was something I never considered doing. I was raised with the thoughts of: "When I graduate high school I'm going to college, I will get degrees in things and then get a job."
My biggest challenge was the realization that I had no idea what I actually wanted to do as a career. Even as a teenager I knew my limits and what I was capable of, as well as how hard a job might be success-wise.
I wanted to be an astronaut, a psychologist, political leader, teacher, geneticist and so on.
I knew I was going to be none of those things over the next few years because:
Astronaut school is hard, and I'm probably not smart enough to get in.
Psychology is great, but being an actual psychologist would not be where I ended up, I'd most likely need to use my degree in another field, and I don't think I'm smart enough for a doctorate anyways.
I could never be a political leader because I don't care about ALL politics.
I couldn't become a teacher because everyone is doing that, and teaching degrees are only good for the state you get them in. I don't know what state I'm going to live in when I'm an adult. I need to be able to work anywhere in the country.
And genetics was once again a smart thing.
I'm not dumb, by any means. I am definitely above average (I've been tested multiple times for special programs), but if I'm not interested in learning it, or comprehend all of it I have issues.
Most degrees and jobs require a lot of, essentially, useless classes.
(#1 reason I won't get a degree in Meteorology even though that's been my job for years now)
But if I have to take a million math classes, or science classes I'm not interested in I won't learn it. I enjoyed chemistry, but I struggled a lot in all my chemistry classes. I couldn't imagine struggling in a class I don't care about. 
And we're talking about my thoughts as a 15 year old.
So now as a 25 year old, official adult, new civilian, I look towards the future and think, "Where will I be in ten years?"
It's good to ask these questions, to have long-term life goals. I hated them in school because I had no clue.
To this day I have no clue.

I wonder if anyone does.

And now that I'm married and living with my spouse I don't look at my future as just mine anymore. It's "our" future. Everything about his life will affect mine in one way or another.
Where he gets stationed, how long he stays in, promotions...
His life might affect my life more than my life decisions affect it.
So really at this point my life consists of just preparing for worst case scenarios, and praying none of them ever occur.
But there are things that I'm pretty sure will happen between now and ten years.
I will have my master's degree in (hopefully) library science. If not then I will have my BA in Social science and have done some sort of other degree. Because I will use every penny of my Post 9/11 GI Bill. Every Penny. 
I will have children. This is highly likely. Kids are something I've always imagined having in my late twenties. I just don't know how that will end up. I think having kids is scary. Sure, it's a magical process of creating a human life and some women take to it like ducks on water. I feel deep in my soul I will probably not be lucky enough to be one of those women. I think of having children and all I can think of is everything that could go wrong.
Though it could be because I'm not ready to have kids yet. My husband is not ready to have kids yet. If we have one, then that's fine, it was meant to be. But we are not mentally prepared to go out of our way to make a baby yet. So maybe my fears associated with that will change as I grow.

 In ten years, if my husband has stayed in the service till then he would have been in for 17 years! That means we're a skip and a hop from him retiring. Which is crazy for someone who is 35 to be thinking about. But that's only if the military doesn't try and change that before then. Either way, that's 17 years of service, we'll be looking at where we want to permanently settle to live out our lives. Deciding on whether we want to design and build our own house or buy one and remodel the crap out of it! That's some exciting stuff to think about.

Either way, I look forward to seeing where I end up in ten years, and looking back on my thoughts from now and chuckling at them the same way I do at my thoughts as a 15 year old.

I don't dread getting older. I think I've come to embrace the thought of it. I look at my in-laws and my parents and their lives have only gotten better with age. And they're not even old! So I guess my idea of being "old" might have become older than most's. And I'm okay with that. I plan on being around and doing things for a long time with my spouse.

Until then I'm just chilling in the uncertainty of the present, trying to figure out what dinner is going to be, and if my enrollment for school will work out okay.
But here is what I could look like as an old lady: I sort of look like my grandma. Which is awesome, because she is an amazing woman.

Busy bee.

Well, it's August now. The month of my birthday and wedding anniversary. So I'm pretty excited for all that. But I'll save it for another post.

 My DMO (Distribution Management Office) shipment arrived. I think I mentioned it before(?). But it came a few days early, so I was extremely pleased. So of course I immediately started unpacking everything and trying to find places for it.




<<<That's my 34 packages. They wrapped everything. Even my seabags and bookshelves.

Nothing was broken or damaged!! Yay!! Super happy!

As I was unpacking I came across a little package that was just labeled as "Pin"
I was very confused, so I opened it.

I felt 'something' in my heart, just a bit when I unwrapped it's many folds and it was my corporal chevron.
All that wrapping, and such care for a "Pin". I was a bit touched.

That rank was something I carried for half my time in the service. At one point it meant  a lot to me.
But so much occurred that everything I wanted to do sort of always just fell apart. I don't think I was a bad NCO, and I know I was far from being 'the greatest'. But I actually took pride in the fact I was a Corporal. I wish it would have meant more to the rest of the Corps. They only want to you be an NCO when it's convenient. Otherwise it's preferred you just be a friend, or a good follower.
*Ahem*
Not even going to get into trying to express my thoughts on all of that.
We'll just leave it at the sense of how I might miss certain things about my previous lifestyle, and I did not leave the service without a number of regrets. (Many of which I lose sleep over)
But I've decided not to focus on that anymore, and to just look towards a better future!

So onward!

Our basement is now a complete disaster. Though I bet children would have a ton of fun playing in it.
And this is not even it's final form. I'm pretty sure you can barely see that door in the back now. There is more boxes and paper, and more to come, I'm sure.
I don't want to just throw away everything. The paper is in perfect condition still, and the boxes are pristine. I have no idea what to do with them though! If I had kids they'd be the luckiest ever because they'd be getting some sweet box forts or something. But for now I'm gonna fold them all up and try to save them. Never know when you'll need some huge boxes.


On top of all the unpacking I've been enjoying my time in the kitchen too. So has my husband. Though our bank account reflects the inner pain of how sometimes enjoying good food can be pricey. our grocery bill might be beyond what it needs to be. But we eat all the food, and I think our simple but fun dishes are worth it. Especially when you take into account all I've had is chowhall food mostly.

I even got a bit stereotypical and enjoyed some flavored water that is all the rage on Pinterest nowadays.
Orange Blueberry water. It was super tasty! Though I drink a ridiculous amount of water everyday. So a jarful only lasts a few minutes around me.  I would need a whole case of jars to survive a day. So it was more of a treat than anything I guess.
I reused the berries and orange slices multiple times, they held a lot of flavor. Though I didn't taste much of the blueberries. It was mostly orange.
If I was to make a habit out of enjoying flavored water everyday I'd have to save it for just meals or relaxing time. I did enjoy not drinking just plain water for once, but using fruit at that rate isn't something I should do often. Fruit isn't cheap around here.

 I'm feeling a bit not up to going through all the crazy steps to rotate this picture on google. So we'll all just rotate our faces and see this delicious creation. We were going to have BBQ chicken pizza, but decided that BBQ Chicken Crescent Pizza rolls would be awesome too. We ate all of them. They were way too good.

 The hubs had Gatewatch on Friday, so I didn't see him till Saturday (Gatewatch is exactly what it sounds like. You sit at the front gate and check people's ID's and watch the area. You are only there from open to close, but the shift is 24 hours because then you stay overnight for base security). It's really lame, and probably pointless. But I wanted him to have something to look forward too when coming home, other than just looking forward to coming home. So I decided to try my own hand at some form of crepes.

These aren't overly beautiful or anything. Not sure if they are even technically considered true crepes.

 But they were super delicious!! We've had them twice now, maybe three times. Usually we just spread some creme cheese on them with some fruit, or peanut butter and fruit. They are magical. We definitely over-ate the first time we had them. We're slowly learning control when it comes to delicious meals. (hahaha!)

Our most recent kitchen en devour was curry.
I cannot express how excited I was when I found multiple Asian markets in our area and they carry a lot of interesting things. We've only been to one so far, and it carried the curry cubes I wanted. I'm sure nothing will compare to actually having curry in Japan. But this stuff was pretty darn good! Though we bought hot and extremely hot, but to me, they taste more like extremely mild. So next time gonna spice it up myself, maybe build up a coco's spicy sweat. :P
It was a very thick sauce though, and we had beef cubes, carrots, onions, and potatoes in it. When making it I felt like I was making stew, and then turned it into curry.

I want Yakiniku and Gyudon with all my heart though. I like to whisper it at night in bed before falling asleep, so maybe my husband will dream of meat and want it as bad as I do too. (He just thinks I'm really weird at the moment)